/nuz baɪts/ SpecGram Vol CXCII, No 2 Contents Linguimericks—Book ९२


Bʀoᴋɛɴ Nɛws Nɛᴛwoʀᴋ

Breaking news as it breaks! Broken news after it broke!

WHOM’s to Blame? No, Sue’s to Blame!

As one COVID variant after another is unleashed upon the world, the World’s Highest Organization of Medicine finds itself under attack for skipping certain Greek letters. According to spokeswoman Sue da Fedde, “We skipped nu because all of the variants are /n(j)uː/. Then we skipped xi because” benevolence of General Secretary is more enduring than long COVID please to not Google Winnie-the-Pooh also please to not use Google, adding, “Did we manage to get that through unredacted?”

WHOM’s decision to ignore archaic letters is controversial among the professorial class. Classicist A. O. Wrist explains, “When they skipped over digamma, all we could say was ‘Wau!’ We give WHOM’s response a giant F.” Da Fedde responded, “How much worse would Zeta have been perceived if we had called it ‘Die Gamma’?” Another letter was skipped so as not to call attention to conspiracy theorists’ unproven “lab leak” hypothesis that a variant spread due to a mix-up at the Wuhan Academy of Barista Artistry and Virology. “Can you imagine the headline? ‘Koppa Kappa China!’ We’re working hard to provide accurate, accessible information about the pandemic, and we get nothing but grief from ancient Greek scholars. Hetas gonna hate.”

While all attention is focused on containing the modern pandemic, Wrist says that we should be studying ancient texts to learn from a possible “SARS-CoV-0” event in the ancient Middle East. “It all started with a qoph.”

/nuz baɪts/
LinguimericksBook ९२
SpecGram Vol CXCII, No 2 Contents