As new varieties of multilingualism continue to arise, simplistic terms such as polyglot and hyperglot cannot be expected to represent the full diversity of human linguistic competence. Unfortunately, English vocabulary (unlike Eskimo vocabulary), hasn’t even made a pretense of keeping up. Each and every day a new form of super-duper-multilingualism arises, and yet English-speaking linguists have just the one term to describe it.

As a public service, we at SpecGram are pleased to offer a small sampling of terms, which may serve to describe some of the many new types of prodigiously multilingual persons. This taxonomy is based, of course, not only on our own experiences, but also on the linguistic behavior of people known personally to us. Therefore, we assure our readers that each and every one of these terms is acutely needed in English; memorize them all now, because danged if you won’t need one just about as soon as you meet a new person at the symposium tomorrow!

• Monoglot₁: Someone who speaks only one language.

• Monoglot₂: Someone who speaks only about the various diseases he has suffered from.

• Monkeyglot: One who can communicate with only one type of simian.

• Moneyglot₁: One who can talk finance in one language.

• Moneyglot₂: Someone who makes money out of speaking only one language (e.g., an English language teacher).

• Monochromoglot: One who only speaks in black and white.

• Moonglot: One who speaks only the language of the werewolves.

• Moanerglot: Someone who hates speaking only one language but does nothing about it.

• Minerglot: Someone who speaks only the language of back-breaking toil, knackered knees and emphysema, and aeons-old compressed carbon.

• No-no-glot: Someone who downright refuses to learn any more languages.

• Manyglot: Synonym for polyglot/hyperglot.

• Remainerglot: Someone who supports Britain’s continued membership of the EU but doesn’t speak any of the other languages of the union.

• Menuglot: Someone who speaks only one language, except for a few words for food from their favorite cuisine.

• Miniglot: Someone who speaks only one, very small language.

• Mynaglot: Someone who speaks only one language, but who can mimic speech in other languages.

• Meanoglot: Someone who is upset that they speak only one language, and takes it out on other people.

• Minorglot: Someone who speaks only one language, but is still in the critical period, so has some hope of remedying the situation.

• Maniaglot: Someone who is very excited about speaking only one language.

• Mantaglot: Someone who only speaks the language of flat-bodied fish with wing-like fins.

• Mensaglot: Someone who thinks they are very smart, even though they only speak one language.

• Mondoglot: Someone who speaks only one language, but thinks it’s okay because it’s a very “large” language, spoken by many, many people.

• Moneyglut: What none of these people we’ve mentioned need ever worry about suffering.