Caraway Crossing
Last year we partnered with the people at Kids’ Television Sweatshop to create a program aimed at brainwashing inculcating teaching young children about the English language and basic linguistics. Unfortunately, all of the networks rejected our program with an unprecedented, jointly signed letter demanding that we never make another TV program for kids. All copies of the videotape were burned, as was most of the script. We convened a meeting to look over the surviving script fragment to see what we might have done wrong.
17. EXT. CARAWAY CROSSING
Pan across “Caraway Crossing” street sign and man breakdancing. Large 3D letters spelling out “pronoun”, “verb”, etc. are in street. A large avian creature (FLAGRANT FOWL) is sitting on a stoop as a puppet (CHLOE) walks amid the words.
FLAGRANT FOWL
Watch your step!
CHLOE stumbles and falls into a giant hole.
CHLOE
Ow! Our stupid billionaire mayor wastes millions on a vanity political campaign but there’s no money to fix the freakin’ potholes. Fuhgeddaboutit!
(pauses)
Hey, what’s this?
FLAGRANT FOWL
Don’t touch tha…!
There’s a loud thud as the ground underneath “verb” collapses. A dirty CHLOE emerges with the word “DO” in big 3D letters.
FLAGRANT FOWL
Mess not around in the substrate. Know you not that the Celts supported our verbs with “do”? English works not like most of the other Indo-European languages, such as French…
WAVY FADE OUT AND BACK IN, IN BLACK AND WHITE
18. EXT. FRENCH VERSION OF CARAWAY CROSSING
Set and shots are identical to above but everything is over-the-top cliché French. Pan across sign saying “Carrefour du Carvi” and man doing mime. He and all other characters have a thin moustache, wear a beret, and smoke. Large 3D letters spell out “pronom”, “verbe”, etc. A large avian puppet (COUCOU ‘ILL’) is sitting on a stoop as a puppet (CHLOË) walks amid the words, falling into a giant pothole.
CHLOË
Voici ce que j’ai trouvé !
The ground under “verbe” sags a little but holds up. CHLOË emerges from hole with the phrase “EST-CE QUE” in big 3D letters.
COUCOU ‘ILL’
Les Romains ont bien construit notre langue et nos villes, hein ?
(COUCOU ‘ILL’ takes a big drag from his cigarette and coughs)
CHLOË
(pronouncing all of the silent letters)
J’ai aussi découverT touTES noS lettreS silentES !
(CHLOË surfaces with a giant pile of 3D letters, mostly “s”, “t”, and “e”.)
WAVY FADE OUT AND BACK IN, IN COLOR
19. EXT. CARAWAY CROSSING
Back to the original Caraway Crossing scene.
CHLOE
There sure are a lot of silent letters in French.
FLAGRANT FOWL
Seriously, yo English ass gon’ rip on French for silent letters?
CHLOE and FLAGRANT FOWL walk past a recycling bin, out of which GRUMPY STEVEN pops his head up.
GRUMPY STEVEN
People who use the word “literally” to mean “figuratively” are awful!
In stride, FLAGRANT FOWL picks up the lid and slams it down on the bin.
FADE TO
20. VIDEOS WITH VOICEOVERS
A series of films play, with a bunch of kids announcing the action in unison. Video of a person walking.
KIDS (V.O.)
Walk!
(Video ends)
Walked!
(Video of person running)
Run!
(Video ends)
Ran!
(Video of person swimming)
Swim!
(Video ends)
Swam!
BOY #1 (V.O.)
(simultaneous)
Swum! Swam. I knew that.
KIDS (V.O.)
(Video of person diving)
Dive!
(Video ends)
(half) Dove! (half) Dived!
KIDS argue back and forth. Sound of a punch and “Ow!”
CUT TO
21. EXT. HOUSE
Mailbox with name “Meticus” is visible. CUT TO INT., where SAM is quietly putting a baby into a crib. SAM walks out to the foyer and chats quietly with EL MOE.
EL MOE
Señor Sam, why can’t we speak in front of el bebé?
SAM
I’m raising the baby in silence so I can learn what the first language was.
The front door gets kicked in with a loud thud. Three men tackle SAM to the ground.
MEN (IN UNISON)
Child Protective Services!
CUT TO
22. INT. KITCHEN
Mild applause finishes. MISTRESS HOGG stands on a stage with a kitchen setup, where CHEF is standing.
HOGG
And now it’s time for our cooking segment.
CHEF
(nonstop flurry of activity)
Smoke…
Fish…
Bird breasts, liver, heart… Grease, two egg…
Small seed…
Many long leaf…
(picking up an immaculate platter of delectable food)
Come! Eat this! Good?
HOGG
(tasting)
Mmm! Delicious! Thank you, Swadesh Chef!
FADE TO
23. PICTURES WITH MUSIC
Pictures of four people appear on the screen: Chomsky, Becanus, Rask, and Whorf. Music plays: (lyrics)
“Three of these dudes are different from the fourth dude,
Three form a clique and the fourth’s not their friend,
Can you figure out which is the lonely little fourth dude,
Before this song comes to an end?”
Picture of Rask is highlighted.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That’s right! Rasmus Rask is the only one whose theories haven’t been discredited… yet.
FADE TO
24. INT. LAB
KARMA THE TOAD opens a package and pulls out what looks like a tree root with the word “sker” written on it. NATE walks into the room.
KARMA
Oh, hey Nate! Tell me, why do they call you “Cog” Nate?
NATE
My job consists of never-ending, soul-crushing drudgery for a faceless, profit-focused employer that pays me below-subsistence wages.
KARMA
I thought you were an adjunct professor at Arizona Canyon University.
NATE
That’s what I said. Anyway, what’s going on, Karma?
KARMA
I just got this root from the Indo-European Supply Company.
NATE
What a coincidence! I’m an expert in Proto-Indo-European!
KARMA
Um, where exactly did you gain that expertise?
NATE
Indo-Europe. Let’s plant that root and see what happens.
KARMA plants the root in soil and waters it. In a series of five bad stop-motion shots, the root grows into a small tree with leaves. On each leaf is written a word. KARMA shows off a few of them, in turn.
KARMA
“Shear”.
NATE
That means “to cut”.
KARMA
This one’s a doublet: “shirt” and “skirt”.
NATE
A shirt is made from a cut piece of fabric. Skirt is the Norse equivalent.
KARMA
Norse women wore skirts as shirts? Stupid Vikings. “Science.”
NATE
That’s the process of cutting off what is true from what is false.
KARMA
Are these real, or are you making them up?
NATE
The beauty of etymology is that you can’t tell the difference! What’s next?
KARMA
“Shit”.
NATE
When you pinch off a turd, you’re cutting off a piece of shit from your body.
KARMA
So, all of these come from a root meaning “to cut”?
NATE
You’ve got it!
KARMA
Yes! We scienced the shit out of that!
(long pause, then weakly)
Sometimes I cut mys…
ABRUPT CUT TO
25. VIDEOS WITH VOICEOVERS, PART 2
Video of a person sitting.
KIDS (V.O.)
Sit!
(Video ends)
Sat!
(Video of a person eating)
Eat!
(Video ends)
Ate!
(All of the kids pronounce it /eɪt/ except for BOY #2, who pronounces it /ɛt/.)
BOY #3 (V.O.)
Go back to England, you pommy bastard!
BOY #2 (V.O.)
(After sound of a punch)
Ow!
CUT TO
26. INT. CLASSROOM
A regally dressed vampiric figure (PRINCE VON PRINT) stands in front of a chalkboard, lecturing to ROVER.
PRINCE VON PRINT
(Writes “Α”)
Alpha, uh, uh, uh!
(Writes “Β”)
Beta, uh, uh, uh!
(Writes “Γ“)
Gamma, uh, uh, uh!
(Writes “Δ“)
Delta, uh, uh, uh!
ROVER
No, the NATO phonetic alphabet goes “Alfa, Bravo, Charlie, Delta”.
PRINCE VON PRINT
I was going over the alphabet that they use in Greece.
ROVER
But Greece is part of NATO!
SAD TROMBONE, THEN FADE TO
27. VIDEOS WITH VOICEOVERS, PART 3
Video of a person sneaking around.
KIDS (V.O.)
Sneak!
GIRL (V.O.)
Fuck, not this shit again.
QUICK CUT TO
28. INT. POST OFFICE
ARNIE is sitting at a desk with envelopes strewn all about. Atop the envelopes sit large 3D glyphs: þ, æ, ȝ, ƿ, etc. BORT walks in carrying an envelope.
BORT
I’d like to buy a stamp.
ARNIE
Sorry, this is the dead letter office.
RIM SHOT AND CUT TO
29. CREDITS
As the credits roll by, a large red “G” and a large blue “T” stay on the screen.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(slurring drunkenly)
This episode is brought to you by the letters “G” and “T”.
(sounds of ice clinking in glass, guzzling, glass being put on table)
Bartender! Another double!
BARTENDER (V.O.)
You’re drunk. I’m cutting you off.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This just in: This episode also brought to you by the letters “F” and “U”!
Now that we’ve given the script a re-read, we see why we were rejected: Whorfianism is making a comeback!
