As is well known, Her Majestic Britannic Majesty Queen Liz of Winalot Prime must, as a Monarch Appointed by God, be addressed and interacted with in a manner consistent with her Royal Head-
However, in these times of political uncertainty, Her Majesty’s Advisor of Royal Linguistics has updated the approved list of how to say ‘How do you do?’, ‘G’day’, etc. to Eliza Winlittle when you greet her in the normal course of running into her when buying a kebab at 1 a.m. Generally speaking, there has been a toning down of formality so as to make the Crown more accessible to everyday people in their mortgage paying-
Forms of address for use on first occasion: Your Maj; Mrs Regina; Queen Elizabeth Number Two
Forms of address for use on second occasion: My Lady; Bossess; Charles’ mum
Forms of address for use after she high-
There are a few modifications here also. Greetings may not include the handshake, the cheeky lopsided grin, or, if from the north, a curt nod and a ‘Right?’ but strictly with rising intonation. The Monarch will nevertheless retain the standard reply of ‘How do you [duːː]?’
We abandon the rule of taking three steps back whilst facing the Monarch at the end of a conversation. Instead, only two steps are to be taken, followed by a pirouette, a recitation of a royal family-
Much remains unchanged here as linguistically Latin inherently resists any toning down. Her Majesty’s Department of Linguistics is therefore taking the opportunity to clarify that:
in D.G., REG, FID DEF, ‘Reg’ refers to Her Majesty’s Queenhood, and is not her actual name, Reg. One of the dogs is called Reg but that’s irrelevant. Lack of understanding around this resulted in some lengthy imprisonments in the Tower recently and is best to be avoided.
We hope these adaptations to royal protocol retain a firm and steadfast link with the past whilst also demonstrating that the House of Window Cleaner is hip, cool, up-to-
We invite comment by raven to the Tower of London.
God save the Queen!