The Linguistics Department Γυμνάσιον
A Guide for the Perplexed and Unretroflexed
Pynn Nupp-Gurle & Bīff Kāyke
We can’t tell you how many times we’ve had clients come to us in a panic:
When the dean told the Linguistics Department to shape up or ship out, this isn’t what we thought he meant! As one look at us will confirm, we have no clue how to use any of this exercise equipment. Please explain it to us. Hurry, I think I just heard a boat horn!
If that’s you, then the ling-γυμ may seem scary at first—but we can help you find your way.
There are plenty of great exercises and activities for the beginner:
- A good way of building up endurance is to run on sentences.
- Working out regularly will improve your morphology.
- Open syllables will are good for CV fitness.
- Take a short walk on the Euphemism treadmill before heading for the
water closet toilet bathroom restroom lavatory.
- Is your soul not up for the peloton? That’s okay—try the Jespersen cycle instead: Je ne veux faire de vélo. Je ne veux pas faire de vélo. Je veux pas faire de vélo.
Certain activities are probably not the best for a neophyte:
- The Erg: skip it unless you’re impatient.
- Syllable weights should be left to prosodists.
- X-barbells are universally too heavy to bother lifting.
We can also train you on the most relevant and useful interactional schemata at the Linguistics Department Γυμνάσιον:
- Make full use of indirectness and politeness strategies when asking the 6′4″ shaven-headed beefcake if he and his training partner of similar height and body type are finished with the free weights: “Excuse me gentlemen, if you’re thinking you might be coming towards the end of your session, would it be possible for me to squeeze a moment of time in on the weights at all, if you know what I mean?” (Note: be prepared for monosyllabic, direct responses, e.g. “No. Wait.”)
- If you want to be left alone to focus on your routine, bring the most garish pair of alloheadphones you can and no one will want to communicate with you at all.
Ling-γυμ trainers are available 24/7 for additional instruction, exhortation, and motivation:
- Every strain, every grunt builds power and stability in the diaphragm: not only your strength and stamina will increase but your enhanced pulmonic egressive airstream mechanism will allow you to talk about your training session for hours off a single exhalation!
- It is important when doing repetitions of speech exercises not to rush through the previously memorized units, so take your time: You don’t want to blow chunks.
- Remember not to skimp on your vowel quads. Do three sets of twenty reps starting at /æ/, raising to /i/, and lowering to /æ/, and then from /a/ to /u/ and back to /a/.
- Only those with a sufficiently muscly tongue can execute tricep-phthongs in any phonotactic environment with ease and fluency. Build up the power and strength in those arms and you may be able to wrestle with tricep-level lexical insertion!
For those who want a more organized experience, the Linguistics Department Γυμνάσιον has many highly structured programs—deep, surface, underlying, syntactic, thematic, logical, lexical, canonical, conceptual, and more. A small sample:
- The architecture of the Syntax Tree program on our Transformational Workout running machine is designed to maximize the formal and functional potential of your body. You enjoy complete C-command of your workout. Race up to the top of Extended Projection Peak before taking a gentle run down to the Right Periphery. For an additional challenge, insert as many relative or embedded clauses as you like into your tree architecture. The immersive 3D headset allows you to experience your workout in a variety of settings: try our popular Wh- Island setting. And for the most audacious, the advanced program offers a wh- fronting variation putting all the most relevant part of the workout first. You’ll never question why you’re doing this.
- Our very popular GLU-GLO-AGGLU classes are led by our expert trainers Holger Pedersen and Morris Swadesh, who developed the training scheme 3,000 years ago with the proto-Indo-Europeans. GLU-GLO-AGGLU class tones and strengthens your glutes by repeatedly uttering glottalic airstream mechanism stops in agglutinating languages. We begin with simple exercises with Adyge before moving on to Quechua and, in the advanced class, Georgian. Make your glutes go “Yay!” with ejective [pʼ], [tʼ] and [kʼ].
For those who need camaraderie and fun to maintain your commitment to work out, we also offer a number of group classes:
- Lines Don’t Cross Dancing
- Extrapositional Yoga
- Downstep Intervals
- Pipilates (two identical classes, back to back)
- Workout for Abs and Ergs
And, of course:
Linguistics Department Γυμνάσιον Notice: Although the ling-γυμ has recently been repainted in gold and red (as per survey responses), the ceiling remains low. Please take care not to bang your head on the pied piping.
