Are you tired of the real work that went into your research receiving no reward? Do you want your qualifications to reflect your actual skills? Our new Department of Realistic Linguistic PhDs has the course for you! Here are just a few examples:
- PhD in Crying over Data (3 years + 12 counselling sessions)
If gathering your data meant staying up all night hoping your drunk informants weren’t lying about the local gavagai population, this degree is for you.
- PhD in Arcane University Admin
Did you spent your time plying the department secretary with chocolate in the hope of getting the code for the department photocopier? This PhD shows you know your stuff.
- PhD in Small Town Survival
Some people get to travel to Rome, New York, and Tokyo. Your conferences were in Nowifi, Winnipeg and Spitball, Utah. Let everyone know that you never did make it to the nice destinations with this degree.
- MPhil (distance only) in Avoiding Office Mates
Does Karl have halitosis? Did Marie steal your favourite pen? Are you embarrassed by your nerdy crush on Gary? Leave them all behind with this degree.
- PhD in Graduate Student Professionalism Seminars
Your institution helpfully provided multitudinous seminars to help its PhD students find funding, write abstracts, mentor undergraduates, deal with obstreperous committee members, write conclusions, cut living costs, apply for summer jobs, apply for TAships in other departments, apply for postdoc positions, apply for temporary adjunct positions, write personal ads (just kidding), apply for tenure track jobs, teach better, work more smoothly with “unique” colleagues, and so on. These were great, but it turns out they took the place of writing your dissertation. Hey, you deserve a degree just for all the help you got in seeking one.
All our degrees are validated by the same people who brought you mass comparison and Swadesh lists. You can never go wrong with a diploma that recognises your real talents.