Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers.
In an effort to rationalise research funding in linguistics, the Association of Unknown Funders is to launch a lottery. Interested graduates may enter by purchasing a ticket at the price of [-dignity] [-money] and will be asked to enter a six-
AUF will draw six IPA symbols at random and any entrant with a ticket containing all six of those symbols in any order will win six months of funding for the project of their choice.
AUF have calculated that the odds of winning their lottery are roughly equal to being funded by a government agency.