From the Archives!—SpecGram Propaganda XVII—The SpecGram Archive Elves™ SpecGram Vol CLXXXI, No 4 Contents Good Enough for Folk Etymology—Part I—A. Pocryphal & Verity du Bius

The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective

Are you in a world of linguistic hurt? The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective (SLAC) will offer you empirical, empathic, emphatic advice you can use!*

Remember, if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, then you don’t need advice! So, if you need advice, trust us—and cut yourself some SLAC!

__________

To whimever it may discern,

I am but a lowly interpreter. My career has not yet reached the heights whereby I may gigglesnort at the antics of students or divert myself with the vagaries of theoretical noo-aunties.

I have whoever, reached an imp’s ass in my development. Ewe sea, I have bean reliably informed by the more antsy social of me brethren (translators, mostly) that my language tints to get stringed with near homer bones that are knee early inch desk inks a table inn speech but rather an oiling writ inn dawn.

Sew, wend I interpret, eye send pair fectly marr velux but my knee males are offal. Do you have any pot end all solutions?

Coors,
Leery Dom Lens One

✢ ✢ ✢

Dearie Leery,

I have composed a magical incantation to cure your affliction. However, my spellchecker has garbled it beyond recognition.

—SLAC Unit #50657465

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear One,

I have disco veerd a true Lee Remick able soul you Shane 4 this pro-blame which this -eme ail is Two’s Mall Toucan 10.

—SLAC Unit #54656c

✢ ✢ ✢

Deer Lear E,

Ewe pour fell oh! Watt due peep l sigh is you’re mist ache? Eye half fawned yore massage per fact. May bea ewe cud ooze spill chic like eye due. that sow Ike an bea shore awl is wheel whinny right!

—SLAC Unit #5368657269

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear One,

Deine problem ist honor phones, aber that’st not really so schlecht. Much schlechter w äre randomized codeverswitchung. Please nicht mehr complain to uns.

—SLAC Unit #4b65697468

✢ ✢ ✢

Deary Leery,

End the pot would definitely be part of the solution.

—SLAC Unit #54726579


* Advice is not guaranteed to be useful, practical, or even possible. Do not attempt at home. Consult a doctor (of linguistics, philology, or—in a pinch—anthropology) before undertaking any course of treatment. This advice is not intended to cure or treat any disease or condition, inherent or contingent. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, except when it is not. “Empirical” means that we asked at least two other “people” whether our advice was good; one or more of those “people” may be voices in our own heads. “Emphatic” means that you may print out a copy of the advice for personal use in a medium, semi-bold, bold, heavy, black, or ultra-black weight of an italic or oblique typeface using an enlarged font size. “Empathic” means that deep down, in the darkest recesses of our blackest heart of hearts, we really, really care ♥—just not necessarily about you.

From the Archives!—SpecGram Propaganda XVII—The SpecGram Archive Elves™
Good Enough for Folk Etymology—Part I—A. Pocryphal & Verity du Bius
SpecGram Vol CLXXXI, No 4 Contents