Dear Speculative Grammarian,
After reading Scrugg’s recent “social column” about factionalism among miserable sufferers of latinitis, I feel the need for a good old modern language. So I enrolled in Introductory Italian at my local community college, and I feel much better.
Please refrain from interviewing such badly afflicted people in the future. Leave them to suffer in silence; they may not feel better, but the rest of us will.
Dear Ms. Ella Minnow Peon,
Thank you for your recent missive indicating that you are in fact too constitutionally fragile to continue receiving your monthly installments of Speculative Grammarian. On the advice of our medical interns, we will cancel your subscription immediately. The accounting interns are not very happy about refunding the 18.4 years remaining on your twenty-
Sorry you can’t handle the truth! #sorrynotsorry
Dear Editors of SpecGram,
I’d like to introduce your readers to my ground-
Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, Massachusetts
No need for literature. First, save a tree! Second, the ground over here is already pretty broken. Third, your theory is sufficiently incredible that we can gather everything we need to know about it from context.
I read with mild interest Ass.Ed. Mikael Thompson’s editorial on music as not actually being a very universal language, and while I found it convincing on the whole, I take strong exception to the implications of the following passage: “The vocal cords are physically much the same as bowed violin strings...” I would remind you and your readers that while the basic mathematical description is the same in both cases, in fact the elastoacoustic properties of violin and viola strings are quite different and must not, as in this passage, ever be confused: Violin strings are made from cat’s guts, while it is viola strings that are made from their vocal cords.
Fern Candock Quillwort-
Head of Research,
Organic Acoustics, Ltd.
Dear Organic Acoustics, Ltd,
You needs to pull your Head of Research out of your Ass of Research.
If you are going to send your lackey Undergrowth Bottlewharf Plumeplant-
Catgut was never made from cats
If the elastoacoustic properties of the various viol- stringed instruments are so unpleasant, work it out with your therapist. Don’t put your linguistically infelicitous* baggage on anyone else.
* Also not related to cats, non-
Speculative Grammarian accepts well-