/nuz baɪts/

Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers.

Scientists Discover New Case System

Linguists at the University of Punkington, MTV, have reported the discovery of an entirely new case system in an article in the Open Access Journal of Unlikely Linguistics. Rather than grammatical markers, the case system of the newly discovered language, Esperolapük, reflects the speaker’s attitude toward each noun. It has five cases: the rockative (to express enthusiasm), the mockative (to express disgust), the accusative (to express presumed illegality), the yes-i-would-dative (to express admiration), and the whateveritive (to express disinterest). The researchers responsible for this work, Drs I.P. Freely and Theo Wrist, argue that this discovery puts a further nail in the coffin of Universal Grammar, Government and Binding, and “whatever else is hot right now.”

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