Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers.
Teen Girl Speaks Formal English; World in Shock
In a development that has rocked the world of linguistics, teenage girl Brandy I S Creem has started using formal English. A whistle-blower from Regular Fast Food Corp leaked details of her interview with them for the position of 3rd Assistant Toilet Cleaner, in which she did not say “like” or “lol” even once. Linguists in the department of Rising Pitch and 1337sp33k at Meme University say that this is probably the first such occasion ever recorded. Ms Creem did not, however, get the job, as three people with PhDs and one toilet cleaner from Connecticut with 20 years of experience also interviewed for the same position.