¹ “Language Play IV”, Lang101, May 7th, 2013.

² cf., Milligan et al., The Goon Show, passim.

³ Any connotation of drunkenness in this expression should be taken as implying nothing more than that I like making scurrilous remarks about my fellow satirical linguists.^{14, 15}

⁴ This was popularized in the UK by Ground Force, a television programme in which the presenters would enter somebody’s property without their knowledge while they were away and make over their garden.¹⁶ One of the presenters was a builder,¹⁷ so there always had to be decking.

⁵ This has nothing to do with the Taoist concepts of Yin and Yang.¹⁸

⁶ American members of the SpecGram editorial team have expressed the opinion that “needs Ying” is more felicitous than “wants Ying”. However, I’m English, and “wants Ying” works fine for me.^{19, 20}

⁷ The etymology of this expression is of some relevance here. It derives from causing someone to hit the deck, in the manner of an unsuccessful boxer.

⁸ Apparently there are some people who like that sort of thing, but my intellectual curiosity reaches its limits at this point.

⁹ Various tiresome screeds.

¹⁰ My psychiatrist had it coming.²¹

¹¹ While Tolkien is often identified with a traditionalist worldview,²² he is not entirely unsympathetic to Marxist theory. The Dwarves in The Hobbit wish to recover the wealth they laboured to create from an oppressor who has taken it by force, and the song they sing before setting out²³ fits very nicely to the tune of The Red Flag.^{24, 25}

¹² Later known as Samwise Gardner.

¹³ This should not be surprising, given that Literary Theory seldom sheds any light on anything.

¹⁴ If you can dish it out, you ought to be able to take it.

¹⁵ For further examples, see “The SpecGram Inquisition—Pete Bleackley”.

¹⁶ Such “breaking and decorating”²⁶ type shows were popular at the time.

¹⁷ Another presenter²⁷ was a specialist in water features, so there always had to be one of those too.

¹⁸ Unless you’re a Taoist, in which case everything has something to do with Yin and Yang.

¹⁹ And since decking is a luxury rather than a necessity, “want” makes more sense than “need” here.²⁸

²⁰ But “needs Yed” is just dreadful.²⁹

²¹ He never should have said that about my mother.

²² Feminist critics, in particular, note that none of Tolkien’s main female characters meet each other at any point during The Lord of the Rings.³⁰ However, such an encounter would lead to Tolkien violating the Maxim of Quantity even more than he does already.^{31, 32}

²³ “Far Over the Misty Mountains Cold”—Tolkien, JRR, The Hobbit, Chapter 1, “An Unexpected Party”.

²⁴ Or “O Tannenbaum”, if you prefer Christmas trees to revolution.

²⁵ Well, that’s how I sing it.

²⁶ cf., Pratchett, T, Reaper Man.

²⁷ Who seemed to have an aversion to underwear.^{33, 34}

²⁸ Although it’s not as if anything else in this article makes sense.

²⁹ Americans. Bah!

³⁰ i.e., it fails the Bechdel test.

³¹ Tolkien fundamentally misunderstood the Maxim of Quantity. He thought it meant “the more the merrier”.^{35, 36}

³² There is also the issue of what they would talk about. If Arwen and Eowyn were to meet, a logical topic of conversation would be the latter’s defeat of the Witch King of Angmar. However, the Witch King of Angmar was a man.

³³ This may have been a major contributing factor to the show’s popularity.

³⁴ The fact that her given name³⁷ was an item of bawdy slang^{38, 39} and her surname⁴⁰ became one as a result⁴¹ didn’t help.

³⁵ Pun not intentional, but I’m keeping it.

³⁶ Although I’ve got some room to talk, given that this article has hit the Maxims of Quantity and Relevance over the head with a spade and buried them under the decking.

³⁷ Charlie.

³⁸ Along with 97.36% of the English lexicon.^{42, 43}

³⁹ New Scientist would refer to this as “Nominative Determinism”.

⁴⁰ Dimmock.

⁴¹ Although did sound like one to start with.³⁸

⁴² cf., Chaucer, G (passim); Shakespeare, W⁴⁴ (passim).

⁴³ This footnote is referenced twice.^{43, 45}

⁴⁴ For those who claim that someone else⁴⁶ wrote Shakespeare’s plays, I can only say that that idea’s too daft even for SpecGram.

⁴⁵ This footnote references itself.^{45, 47}

⁴⁶ Such as the Earl of Oxford.⁴⁸

⁴⁷ Self-referential footnote added to make the footnote true with regard to itself as well as the footnote it originally referred to.⁴⁹

⁴⁸ Who died before many of Shakespeare’s plays were written.

⁴⁹ And not just to bulk up the number of footnotes.⁵⁰

⁵⁰ This is a lie.^{50, 51, 52}

⁵¹ Aha! I’ve invoked the Epimenides Paradox!⁵³

⁵² Actually, the excessive number of increasingly convoluted and irrelevant footnotes is an attempt to raise the intrinsically unfunny act of explaining a joke to Shandean⁵⁴ levels of absurdity.⁵⁵

⁵³ At least this footnote doesn’t reference itself.⁵⁰

⁵⁴ A reference to The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, by Lawrence Sterne, a novel best described as an attempt to write an autobiography by a man who’s completely incapable of sticking to the point.

⁵⁵ Now I’m explaining jokes in the middle of an article about explaining a joke. Meta-humour has reached dangerous levels.