Quantum Mechanics for Linguists: Die Bauston Interpretation—Prof. Dr. Harold Twistenbaum SpecGram Vol CLXXI, No 3 Contents Parenting Styles and Progeny Success—A Practical Guide to Broken-Record Parenting—The Linguistics Edition—Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press

The Linguistic Placebo Effect

by I. Tinerant, Wandering Academic

Literature Review

Of course it is important, when setting out on an academic adventure, to properly prepare by briefly reviewing the relevant existing literature. A brief review of various studies concerning impact factor shows a clear correlation between interdisciplinarity and tenure-trackedness. A similarly brief review of similarly various studies in the medical literature demonstrates beyond a reasonable doubt that the placebo effect is quite real, and best of all, it works whether you believe in it or not. A somewhat briefer review of somewhat less various psychological studies hints at the idea that the use of electric shocks is correlated with increased citation.

Having onboarded these interesting paradigmaticities, it is time to proceed to the next phase of our endeavor.

Experimental Design

In order to experience the maximally multifarious multiplicity of the outcomes, it is best to take as our set of experiments the Cartesian cross-product of the features of interest, which are:

Empirical Results

After running 5 or 6 iterations of each of the 81 experimental paradigms, several clear patternssome expected, some surprisingemerged, along with a few murkier tendencies.

Analysis and Conclusions

The results were, frankly, unexpected. However, rather than being disappointed, I took this as an opportunity to increase the interdisciplinarity of my research. Based on additional interdisciplinary consultation with freelance anatomists and statisticians on the internet, I hypothesize that variation in responses associated with stimulus location may have been confounded by the unaccounted-for variables of sensitivity and nerve density of bodily locations.

Based on additional interdisciplinary consultation with freelance experimental design consultants on the internet, I plan to conduct further experiments with different placebo-effect–inducing stimuli, including:

Despite the need for further research, I need to publish now, so I will conclude in the current study that the linguistic placebo effect is less affected by what the subjects are told, and more by what placebo-inducing stimuli are applied to them. Further, the linguistic placebo effect, as evidenced by this study, varies along different, and potentially more interdisciplinary, dimensions than the medicinal placebo effect.

It remains to be seen whether the linguistic placebo effect has any impact on employment prospects for empirical linguists. A longitudinal study of the matter is underway.

* Special Thanks to Claude Searsplainpockets, who introduced me to the ffffffffffrT and their wonderfully windy ways.

We have not reported on all of the tendencies observed in the data; some of the more embarrassing tendencies have been omitted. The data are still young, and may just be going through a phase.

Quantum Mechanics for Linguists: Die Bauston InterpretationProf. Dr. Harold Twistenbaum
Parenting Styles and Progeny SuccessA Practical Guide to Broken-Record ParentingThe Linguistics EditionBook Announcement from Psammeticus Press
SpecGram Vol CLXXI, No 3 Contents