Dear Speculative Grammarian,

Having been impressed by the originality of the work published in your journal, I would like to collaborate with some of your contributors. In particular, I’ll help SLAC unit #50657465 with his time machine if he’ll help me reconstruct Proto-World.

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Dear Gare-gare,

Alas, we’ve lost contact with SLAC unit #50657465. Well, more specifically, we’ve stopped contacting him because his replies always arrive 42.7 milliseconds before we send our messages, whether by email, post, or carrier pigeon. It’s unnerving, and likely the result of his being in the vicinity of a flux capacitor with a cracked housing.

Should he come un-unstuck in time, we’ll pass your message along, though we doubt your sincerity. If you had a time machine, you wouldn’t reconstruct Proto-World, you would document it, no?

Oy, Eds!

Why are you publishing this Metasyntactical Heuristics crap from McMosky? I already came up with a Grand Unified Intuitive Linguistic Theory (G.U.I.L.T.)! You don’t need another theoretical framework. I’ve provided the theoretical framework.

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Dear Jägermeister,

The exclusive contract you signed gives us exclusive rights for publications and merchandising; it does not give you exclusive rights to anything, especially not on claims of Grand Unified Theories. Read the fine print, sucker!

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Speculative Grammarian accepts well-written letters commenting on specific articles that appear in this journal or discussing the field of linguistics in general. We also accept poorly-written letters that ramble pointlessly. We reserve the right to ridicule the poorly-written ones and publish the well-written ones... or vice versa, at our discretion.