While the recent discovery of the Higgs Boson has shone a spotlight on the worlds of particle and nuclear physics, the equally cutting edge field of Nuclear Linguistics has gone unnoticed. This article will repair this damage by providing a narrative of the work of two laboratories: PhonLab and ConLangLab. Both of these facilities aim to discover the particle responsible for the gravity of linguistic pronouncements, nicknamed the Boreon. In order to do this, they each use a separate Local Interlingual Supercollider for Phonemes (LISP), which allows them to spin independent phonemes round ovoid tracks at speeds approaching the speed of light before smashing them together.
Of first concern, of course, is the selection of phonemes to be used in the experiment.
Nuclear Linguist Higley Jacobs, chief of nuclear phonology on the ConLangLab project, explains the selection process:
“It would be [+pointless] to try to accelerate stops, of course. For obvious reasons and due to strident objections raised by some of the team, most fricatives and slow-
Graduate student ‘Snoddly’ Sniffgrass expresses the regret of the Nuclear Linguistics community: “Man, everybody wanted to see a couple triple-
The team has finally decided to employ a set of small, light, alveolar ejectives harvested from unwitting speakers of Klingon.
Dr. Jacobs explains: “The use of these fissionable materials has several advantages, not the least of which is avoiding the [+irritation] and [++cost] of traveling to places where real languages are spoken.” He notes off the record that it also neatly avoids the complications of filling out human subject research paperwork. (The story of how the brave team faced almost certain death as they harvested these ejectives from the Klingon subjects is left for another time.)
The results of these collisions was the discovery that all linguistic elements are made up of smaller, sub-
“It’s obviously the Boreon we’re after,” sighs Dr. Jacobs sadly, “but it’s dangerous. The lab assistants we hire can’t seem to stay awake during these data runs and several of them have been injured toppling off lab stools.”
Rousing himself for an interview, Sniffgrass, (who was later censured for copying his master’s thesis out of a Wikipedia article), opined: “The Boreon ... is an elementary particle in the Standard Theory ... and ... is predicted to exist for theoretical reasons, and may someday be detected by experiments. ... If confirmed, this detection would prove the existence of the hypothetical Boreon field
Initial predictions of the Boreon were publicized in the work of Gazdar, Glein, Gullum and Gag, dating to the mid-
Work therefore must continue in the attempt to isolate the Boreon with some degree of certainty. However, financial conditions at ConLangLab deteriorated sufficiently that it was deemed impossible to continue without outside funding. Thus, Boreon specialists from the world of Post-