Regenerated Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know—Madalena Cruz-Ferreira SpecGram Vol CLXV, No 4 Contents Using NLP to Defeat NLP—Γραμματο-Χαοτικον

Rethinking Social Sciences Under the Influence of N-Bar Theory

by Nikita Barbarosa, Nigel Barclay, Norberto Barrowman, & Vino Heineken
X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies


Of the many linguistic theories to have been put forward to explain the singular stylistics of academic theory, none have been as controversial as n-Bar Theory. This theory proposes that all academic research in the social sciences and humanities is the result of the ongoing cerebral effects of the presence of researchers at n bars, where n corresponds to the number of facilities serving dilute dicarbon pentahydrogen hydroxide to said researchers.

n-Bar Theory has at long last satisfactorily explained the dramatic positive correlation (R = 0.96, P < 0.000002) between campus size and the number of such establishments within staggering distance of the main administrative buildings on campus.

A Theory Divided

Despite the controversial nature of n-Bar Theory, and its small number of adherents, there is a deep philosophical division among followers that has split proponents into two camps. One group seeks to more quickly gain acceptance of the theory by declaring the above-mentioned correlation to be merely descriptive, while the other group makes much stronger claims of causation.

“In fact, my research has shown that the presence of academic institutions is predicated upon the existence of nearby distilleries and mead distribution centers,” claims Nathaniel Barleycorn of the International Philolinguological Association of Chico, California. “Furthermore, the relative prestige of a given academic institution is directly proportional to the distance one has to stagger in order to get to a public house from any point on campus, traveling in any direction.”

Related Theories

It should be noted that, contrary to popular belief, m—bar theory is neither an approach in opposition to work on n-Bar, nor one formed later as an explicit reaction to it; rather, it began merely as a slightly reduced version of it that did not require quite so many notational shifts, and whose formalism was easier to read in dimly-lit areas, particularly by those with blurry vision. The connection between the two is immediately apparent in the original “M—bar K” draft, which, like most vital papers in the field, was circulated only in samizdat, to protect its fragile information structure from erosion by direct citation.

A competing theory entitled Universal Glugger claims that it is not the specific nature of the fluids imbibed that makes a difference but merely the action used to imbibe them. Thus, those who receive any liquids while sounding unvoiced sibilants tend towards having fewer academic ideas in the above fields than those who drink liquids while making sounds with more of a /ɠʌᵑʛʌᵑɠʌᵑʛʌᵑ/ nature. Results also show that academic output in the humanities is also positively correlated (R = 0.98, P < 0.00001) with the subsequent emission of repeated rectal plosives (cf. Clover’s “Ruminating on Consonants”, SpecGram CLXIV.1).

Outside Academia

Despite the near-literal bar brawls that n-Bar Theory has provoked in print, at conferences, and departmental mixers, the theory seems to have made little impact outside the tour d’ivoire of the humanities. On a recent data collection expedition to the Errant Apostrophe’s tavern, graduate student Nydia Barlow observed two syntacticians, a phonetician, and a sociolinguist get into a heated discussion of the merits of n-Bar Theory, and its applicability to submission-acceptance rates at major linguistics journals.

While gesticulating wildly to make a point, one of the syntacticians knocked a pitcher of beer out of the hand of a nearby member of the ΣΟΒ fraternity. Within seconds, as predicted by n-Bar Theory, the entire pub was consumed in fisticuffs. A mere two weeks later, the linguists who had been in the bar were quite happily able to publish a squib in Language about their experience.

“LMFAO! It’s like... they all, like, thought that scene was like all our fault, dude, and they were all: ‘you guys party too much so this is like super awesome,’ ” said undergraduate business/philosophy/literature/sports management major and ΣΟΒ fraternity brother Kip Slaterton of nearby Büz Tippler University, when interviewed about the dust up.

Indeed, Kip. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Regenerated Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t KnowMadalena Cruz-Ferreira
Using NLP to Defeat NLPΓραμματο-Χαοτικον
SpecGram Vol CLXV, No 4 Contents