Dear Editors of SpecGram :
We have made 14 unsuccessful attempts to reach you at your given address of record #4 N. Tongue Drive, Taga, Louisiana, and have made 25 fruitless attempts to reach you at phone 0e9-4489.
We therefore have
| issued a subpoena | |
| begun to nag your friends | |
| called your mother | |
| called your dissertation advisor | |
| contacted your student loan officer | |
| taken out an ad in one of those seedy magazines we know you read | |
| given up | |
| X | written a letter to the editor |
in a final attempt to
| let you know you have $65,000,000 waiting for you in a Nigerian bank account | |
| really make you feel bad | |
| sell you a ukulele | |
| get you to take back that mean thing you said last week about Geoffrey Pullum | |
| tell you that your subscription to Creepy Over- | |
| get you to call your mother | |
| get you to call Geoffrey Pullum’s mother | |
| point out to you kindly that, try as you may, you will never be either taller or funnier than Geoffrey Pullum | |
| X | wish you a happy tenth anniversary |