Fresh Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know—Madalena Cruz-Ferreira SpecGram Vol CLXII, No 3 Contents An Introduction to Cagian Linguistics—Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press

Do You Speak English XS?

English XS Box

Not all companies speak your language.

When opportunity knocks, you need a company that knows how to say “Come in! Have a brandy! Let’s discuss emerging markets!”.

That’s why we patented the English language. It was knocking on our door. And we answered.

In English.


Some in the West are concerned that our de facto ownership of global discourse may cause problems for communication and free speech. That is because they are commies. Nevertheless, we do not take our responsibilities as the planet’s semantic hegemon lightly. We have guaranteed royalty-free access to the right to read until at least 2015. And for those who want to talk and write, we have a range of language products to suit everybody’s brain. And if you don’t like that, you can always go and learn Mandarin Chinese, can’t you?

Welcome to the world of English XS.



For home or budget users, English XS Home Edition (£199) offers superb value for money. The Home Edition includes our 15 most popular letters as standard, and thirty minutes of talktime free if you order before the end of the month.

For businesses and those with the gift of the gab, English XS Professional (£499) offers our full range of alphanumeric characters, punctuation and funny symbols. A set of sixty accents and dialects will keep you understood from Alaska to New Zealand*. The Professional Edition also comes with a host of advanced security features, including Integrated Split Infinitive Management and French Repellant.

* Batley not included.

English XS. You Say It. Your Way.

Or we’ll sue you.

This article was originally published at Switchback Fair. © Tom Keal. Reprinted with permission.

Fresh Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t KnowMadalena Cruz-Ferreira
An Introduction to Cagian LinguisticsBook Announcement from Psammeticus Press
SpecGram Vol CLXII, No 3 Contents