The complications posed to the comprehension and utterance of the English language with the advent of the influence and infiltration of the invading non-adjective and non-adverbial alien invaders in simple sentences: a look at English speech post-millennium-bug.
By I.R. Superordinate
from the University of Jealleybeane, Hluhluwe
After watching many grueling hours of informative and educational television programs, I have been so favoured as to procure the theory of the invading non-adjectives and non-adverbs. These non-adjectives are short words used to lengthen sentences, mostly in the guise of adjectives and adverbs, thus making the sentences near-incomprehensible.
I will demonstrate this theory by giving the following examples taken randomly from those affected by invading non-adjectives in their speech.
- I was like, and then she was like, and I was just like, o, my gawd!
- We just like, went out to you know, that place, and we just like were there for a while.
In these two sentences, you will note that the word “like” is used very often. This has been identified by all of my research to be the First Big Alien Non-adjective Invader, or FBANI, in short. In the second sentence the FBANI “like” disguised itself cunningly as “you know” to avoid simplicity in language and to make the speaker seem more intelligent than what their actual IQ is shown to be. This is the Second Big Alien Non-Adjective Invader, or SBANI.
Sentences doused with these FBANIs and SBANIs have also been attributed to the excessive, whiny, non-human-like exclamation of the almost intelligible words best written for the common person as “o – my – gawd”, usually perforated with an unparalleled glottal stop, silences and wild hand gestures.
The third word that may also be noted, mostly in conjunction with the FBANI, is the word “just”. This use of “just” seems to be intended to take the unwary listener or reader’s attention off of the FBANI “like”. The sentence may thus also be constructed as follows, rendering the sentence even more unintelligible and the influence of the invading non-adjectives all the more pervasive and complete within the English language.
- I was just like, and then she was just like, you know, and I was just like, o, my gawd!
Here the FBANI, SBANI and the third, which I will call TBANI, are used. You may also note that in sentence (3) the FBANI, SBANI and TBANI may be used simultaneously before attempting to utter the rest of the sentence, ending in the already explained exclamation, along with hand gestures, glottal stops and/or silences.
My conclusion is this: after the millennium-bug scare, which was just a sideshow to the real infiltration of alien non-adjective and non-adverb verbiage, the aliens of an undisclosed race decided to “dumb us down”* and thus created a new language, which held enough of the old to be slightly intelligible to the outside world. The speakers of the new language seem to have no problem whatsoever in communicating with each other, and their language has already been infiltrated too far for them to be able to revert back to the old language. To expel this invasion into our language, all attempts humanely—and in dire cases, inhumanely—possible must be made to conserve our old language as intelligible to all before the FBANI, SBANI, and TBANI render all of our language skills unusable, and thousands of years of speech useless.
Bibliography
- Notal-inguist. UFO’s and You. Non-university press. 1965.
- Who needs any other books to prove what is so obviously happening to the old language? Or, as they say in the “new language”: Like, who needs like, you know, other books and stuff to, you know, like, you know, o, my gawd!
* As quoted from the bestseller UFO’s and You by Dr. I.A.M. Notal-inguist. Non-university press. 1965.
