| CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS |
| Performance artist seeks gallery. Ruby Ling Selfsschmidt performs a penetrating autobiographicization, The Darkness of Lingoscholasticism. Gallery space must include a lectern and seating for an audience of 5. |
Private English lessons. Linguistics grad student offers personal instruction in English. One on one setting guaranteed. Other services may be negotiated. |
Handmade linguistic data notebook paper for sale. By the ream or by the sheet. Made from all natural hemp. Your data will really look richer with this “smoking” hot paper! |
| /lɛməˈneɪd/ for sale. $5.00 per glass. Look for my stand in the linguistics department lounge. |
| Linguist seeks informant. My dissertation proposal is for fieldwork on Humanities professors. Specifically, I seek to understand the discourse of the noblest lecturers, who are devoted to scholarship for its intrinsic beauty, and who would not stoop to sully its purity by bartering knowledge for Mammon. |
Linguistic translation service. I completed concurrent PhDs at UCLA and UCSB. I can translate any formal paper into functional lingo, and vice-versa. Available to interpret at linguistic conferences, job talks, or department colloquia. Reasonable rates with the lowest per diem of any theory-bilingual linguist in America. |
| Linguistics Lecture! Every Friday night, just after the off-campus bars close. In the Morrill Hall lecture hall. Prof. Everyprof brings you the latest insights from linguistic typology. Styrofoam bats available for sale—feel free to pummel Prof. Everyprof to your heart’s content! |
