Linguists Seek Increased Funding To Fight Potential Aphasic Flu Epidemic
SpecGram Wire Services
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Linguists testified before a joint session of
today, raising concern before the lawmakers that the world
economy could be crippled by an epidemic of aphasic flu. Linguists
representing numerous departments are seeking open-ended funding
arrangements that they say provide a chance to mitigate the effects of
an outbreak.
Concern the potential for an aphasic flu outbreak—which would
victims unable to communicate and therefore basic human
interactions—rose after speculations potentially deadly
mutations of H5N1, or avian flu, led to windfall federal spending in
vaccination research. Linguists say that another mutation could result
in a transmissible form of aphasia, a clinical disorder that effects
the production of speech.
“There is an established genetic link for primary progressive aphasia
[PPA],” commented Harvard linguist Steven Pinker. “We can’t guarantee
that this won’t become a transmissible disease, in the event of a flu
pandemic. The science of lateral gene transfer is just too new” Extra
funding for linguistics would ameliorate the paucity of research into
the area.
linguist David Crystal, himself no stranger to the media,
offered a detailed description of the scenario should an aphasia
epidemic break out: “Thousands unemployed, corporations in shambles,
chaos on the streets.” The rhetoric at times seemed geared to both
parties, “The stock market would collapse absolutely, destroying
corporate America.” Changing tones, “The hard-working families of
America would be unable to collect basic government services.”
“Thousands would be unable to vote for their elected officials,”
Crystal intoned, adding after a pause, “In fact it might be hard for a
voter to re-elect any who voted not to protect against such
an alarming and eminent catastrophe. Isn’t this an election year?”
Linguists have admitted in private that the risks are fairly small
that the virus would mutate, and that the faculty of language would be
targeted in particular. Some admitted further that they didn’t
actually know what lateral gene transfer was. Others maintained that
this lack of knowledge is exactly what the increased funding is
intended to address.
“The only reason linguists aren’t researching PPA is that there’s no
funding,” offered Pinker, adding that a lack of government funding is
endemic to linguistics as a whole. “The entire situation would go away
for not much more than the price of a bridge... say, 300 million?”
Sen. Tom Brown (R-IN) was unconvinced. Addressing the oft-quoted MIT
syntactician Noam Chomsky, he said, “Frankly, sir, this is a
hypothetical disease that we have no scientific reason to believe
exists or even could exist. The possibility of a mutation does not
admit the possibility of an epidemic—linguistic or otherwise—into
the domain of science.” Chomsky declined to address the senator’s
question, citing concerns of the validity of an accusation from a
senator who had “demonstrated categorically and as a of policy
a desire to maintain imperialistic hegemony over the public
discourse.” When pressed for an explanation of his remarks, the
professor replied that he would “maintain [his] right to dissent.”
The linguists found a more receptive audience from Representative Bill
Jennings (R-MN). The congressman, facing a tight re-election campaign
amid allegations of corruption, thought the concern was credible. “I
for one will not be found last among a population of aphasics with the
feeble excuse that our government could not afford to appropriate a
measly $300 million dollars to further research the human language
capacity.” His voice raising to the level of shout, he added, “I think
a linguist, a scientist, understands the risks associated with
underfunded linguistic research better than a senator. We’re not going
to leave families unprotected.”
The representative may carry the day. At press time several major
newspapers had picked up the story, and CNN was reputed to be at work
on an infographic involving a chicken, a dollar sign, and a
binary-branching tree.
