In researching 13th century writings on Estonian dwarves, I recently came across the following manuscript. The story within was copied down by a 12th century Lutheran monk who had been defrocked for claiming that he could do cold fusion using Tupperware. In any case, the story make use of several forms listed by the Oxford English Dictionary as “spurious”.

I aim to bring this manuscript to the attention of the world so that (1) several solid, necessary terms may be returned to common English usage, and (2) I will be nominated for the 1991 Nobel Prize in linguistics. The story follows:

The maiden lowered her eyes in dissoned griefhead. She was a cremett in a hospital after her paddy beau had died as a result of ingesting bixwort icre months ago. Their commonye had been intense and her cherisance had not yet abated. Oft was she visited by phantomnation which griefly hovered, investive. The maiden clutched her geotic sardel, her only remembrance of her abarstic Romeo, and a solitary tear traced the wrinkles of her weary visage.

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