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1. New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!Yreka Bakery (53 visits)

New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!. An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently. The cause experts the LSA sent investigate remains elusive. Frighteningly, linguists linguists linguists sent examined are highly contagious. Physicians neurologists psychologists other linguists called for help called for help called for help didn’t help either. The disorder experts reporters SpecGram sent consulted investigated apparently is a case of pathological center embedding. Yreka Bakery (Egello College). ... more ] Podcast! Book!

2. From the Archives!The XT-17 Uzi/Reel-to-Reel RecorderThe SpecGram Archive Elves™ (26 visits)

From the Archives!— The XT-17 Uzi/ Reel-to-Reel Recorder. The SpecGram Archive Elves™. As previously reported, our very own Butch McBastard unearthed a satchel of papers labeled, “ Top Secret SpecGram Time Capsule, 1964Do Not Open for 50 Years! ”. After an extended period of wrangling with the SpecGram legal team over potential incriminating evidence proprietary information, we are once again able to share with our readers some of the treasures found within the satchel. Here is a photo of the fourth item, an exceedingly rare1 XT-17 Uzi/Reel-to-Reel Recorder, a precursor to the more well-known and more reliable XT-21 Uzi/Tape ... more ]

3. Abjad-BitsAdvertisement (18 visits)

PAID ADVERTISEMENT Abjad-Bits. Thnk smrt. Thnk ’bjd-Bts crl! As a savvy breakfast consumer (in both senses!) you are more than smart enough to insert your own vowels! Abjad-Bits® are the favorite brkfst cereal among sophisticated connoisseurs of scripts worldwide! Every bowl of Phoenician Phlavored ® Abjad-Bits® contains twenty-two different delicious, colorful consonants (that’s more than 80% of your daily value!). Kids and adults, philologists and grammarians, just love ’em! Postfix Abjad Bits—Phoenecian. ... Try our other fun flavors, too: Arabic, ... more ]

4. “Double-Dot Wide O / Nasal-Ingressive Voiceless Velar Trill”by J–––– J––––––Reviewed by Jonathan van der Meer (12 visits)

“Double-Dot Wide O / Nasal-Ingressive Voiceless Velar Trill” by J–––– J––––––. From Speculative Grammarian CLI.3, July 2006. Reviewed by Jonathan van der Meer. ... Double-Dot Wide O, Spoiler Alert !. It’s been more than eight years, so I’m going to go ahead and let you in on a little secret: the nasal-ingressive voiceless velar trill is a pig snort, and the double-dot wide O looks like a pig snout. (Some phoneticians will argue that they themselves produce a uvular trill. They probably doespecially when reading journals less interesting than SpecGrambut ... more ]

5. Cartoon Theories of LinguisticsPart EPhonetics vs. PhonologyHilário Parenchyma, C.Phil. (8 visits)

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part E—Phonetics vs. Phonology. Hilário Parenchyma, C.Phil. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. We will skip the introduction, as we have been there, done that. Once more into the breach! For this installment in our series on Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, we will turn our attention to Phonetics and Phonology and the difference between the two: Phonetics:, ... Phonology:, ... Thanks to Professor Phlogiston, of the Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn, for the opportunity of a lifetime, as a student, to, on this occasion, share with so many of my fellow linguisticians my views, as illustrated above, concerning matters, which are of such immeasurable import ... more ] Merch! Book!

6. Vol CLXXXII, No 3 (8 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Volume CLXXXII, Number 3 ... Trey Jones, Editor-in-Chief Keith Slater, Executive Editor, Associate Editors, Pete Bleackley Jonathan Downie Mikael Thompson, Assistant Editors, Virginia Bouchard Mark Mandel Yuval Wigderson, Editorial Associates, Florian Breit Bethany Carlson Madalena Cruz-Ferreira Emily Davis Vincent Fish Deak Kirkham Tel Monks Cathal Peelo Tim Pulju Mary Shapiro Bill Spruiell Steve Straight Isabelle Tellier Sheri Wells-Jensen, Joey Whitford, Comptroller General “Inconceivable” Merely Indicates, a Failure of Imagination September 2018 ... more ]

7. Podcast—Language Made Difficult, Vol. L (5 visits)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. L — The SpecGram LingNerds are on their own this time. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss the dangers of mispronouncing the names of Canadian provinces, and then advise students as to what they should *not* do. They also fail to celebrate the 50th episode. Many outtakes are provided. ... listen ]

8. The Dictionary of What Things Should MeanAccording to Non-LinguistsP. Ublekkoppen Ñon & Suṛɨ Vē (5 visits)

The Dictionary of What Things Should Mean, According to Non-Linguists. P. Ublekkoppen Ñon & Suṛɨ Vē X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies. Linguistics, as a subjectdespite its obvious universal appeal and global applicabilityis not well-known or well-understood by non-linguists. Weand a large team of uncredited and unpaid XQK internshave taken it to the streets, so to speak, to get a better sense of how the linguistic laity grok our jargon and/or terms of art. Presented below are over 100 “definitions” of linguistic and linguistic-adjacent terms, provided to us by the general ... more ]

9. Mad Libitum (4 visits)

Redirecting to the SpecGram Mad Libitum. ... more ]

10. Merchandise (4 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Merchandise. Introduction. In order to lend a hand to our good friends and steadfast supporters over at the Linguist List during their 2006 fund drive, we prepared a small selection of limited edition SpecGram merchandise, including T-shirts, stickers and magnets. Originally these items were only available as prizes awarded as part of the Linguist List fund drive. In 2012, several of the SpecGram editors suffered from a rare form of collective frontal lobe damage, which made it seem like a good idea to put together a SpecGram book. The result in 2013 was The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics. In 2014, Editor Mikael Thompson entered a deep fugue ... more ]

11. LinguimericksBook ५४ (4 visits)

Linguimericks, Book ५४. An analysis tedious of ‘wondrous’ On why that word can not rhyme with ‘thunderous’ Enculed petty mouches And ended by smoosh- ing a cockroach by firing a blunderbuss —Pumptilian Perniquity, There once was a phonemic contrast Whose time had just almost passed But for one environment Wherein that the tone was higher meant It had outlasted sound change’s grasp —Mannfrum van Tuckett, The task of emplacing an * Is a fool’s game in syntax, a basilisk Seductive and subtle That puts in a muddle So many so willing their * —Hester Fester-Münsterfenster, It’s true that in ev’ry society The language is ... more ]

12. A Panoply of Stupid HijinksThe Dijkstra Triplets (Stuart, Kirsten, and Elizabeth) (3 visits)

A Panoply of Stupid Hijinks. The Dijkstra Triplets (Stuart, Kirsten, and Elizabeth). The answers to the clues below all share a common trait. When aligned by their commonality, in the order provided, an additional word will be spelled out. Italian dessert made with egg yolks and wine (8 or 10) Country with a capital... with a capital Fun! (6) People taking a class (8) Pure vowel (11) My ordinal person number (5) Noun or article that identifies a thing (8) First nation, alphabetically (11) Tranquility (8) Verb with an incomplete conjugation (9) Plant whose seeds are not encased in an ovary (10) Speech disorder characterized by sound repetitions (10) Fairly large (7) Royal Dutch airline (3, abbrev) Complete the puzzle and send ... more ]

13. The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics (3 visits)

The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics . For decades, Speculative Grammarian has been the premier scholarly journal featuring research in the neglected field of satirical linguisticsand now it is available in book formboth physical and electronic! We wish we were kidding, but no, seriously, we’ve published a large collection of SpecGram articles, along with just enough new material to force obsessive collectors and fans to buy it, regardless of the cost. From the Introduction: The past twenty-five years have witnessed many changes in linguistics, with major developments in linguistic theory, significant expansion in language description, and even ... more ]

14. Latin to 与工以口-尺口爪凡以 Converter (3 visits)

Anybody and everybody uses Roman script. 山巨 刀巨与巨尺立巨 仍巨十十巨尺。 What we need is something more distinctive. 与工以口-尺口爪凡以 亡口爪仍工以巨与 十廿巨 仍巨与十 口斤 巨凡与十 凡以刀 山巨与十。 Elegant, refined, and beautiful! 凹与巨 与工以口-尺口爪凡以! ... more ]

15. /nuz baɪts/ (3 visits)

/ nuz baɪts /. Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers. Economists Rebuked for Doing Linguistics Even More Poorly Than Linguists. In June a pair of economists released a study showing that women in societies that speak a gendered language tend to work less and take on more traditional gender roles. Since that time they have discovered other surprising links between noun classes and economics. In Germany, girls have lower rates of participation in the workforce than women, leading researchers to conclude that “neuter” is even farther down the gender hierarchy than “feminine”. And in languages that make an animacy distinction, people earn more than ... more ]

16. Twenty Special Forms of RhetoricDawn B. Seely (3 visits)

Twenty Special Forms of Rhetoric. Rhetoric has been a topic of academic interest for, approximately, forever. Below are detailed a number of special types of rhetorical argument, some of which (eg, (3)) have been observed since the time of Aristotle [Aristotle] and before. Others (eg, (1)) have been clearly recognized only within the last century [eg, Davis and Hersh]. Some of these (eg, (2)) have never been explicitly delineated before. The uses of rhetoric are manifold and many explications of such have been made before, which this paper will not repeat. Proof by Intimidation, A: What do you think about objection X?, B: That's silly!, Proof by Loudness, A: What do you think about objection X?, B: That's VERY ... more ] Podcast!

17. Ask Mr Linguistics Person (3 visits)

Ask Mr Linguistics Person. Dear Mr Linguistics Person, As a professor of anthropology, I feel that it is my duty to constantly remind, cajole, coerce, or even goad each of my students into finishing their thesis in a moderately timely manner. As a result of this drive, I often find that I am asking the question “Have you written any thesis pages this week?” Well enough. But one of my students has a habit of replying, “Yes,” when, in fact she has only written a dozen words or so. One time when I discovered the actual amount written, I asked her to justify her answer. She said that on the one hand, “any pages” has an underlying meaning of “any (number of) pages”.. and 0.01 (her estimate ... more ]

18. Parade of the AlphabetsTrey Jones (3 visits)

Parade of the Alphabets. by Trey Jones. Parade of the Alphabets. A Б B C Γ D/Δ/Д E Ё F G H Ж Ζ/З Η Θ I/И Й K L/Λ/Л M N/Н Ξ O P/Π Q R/Ρ S/Σ/С T U/Υ V/Φ W X Y Z Ψ Ω Ц Ч ... more ]

19. AutoGrammatikon™ (3 visits)

The Speculative Grammarian Auto­Gram­matikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠. On several occasions, mention has been made of the AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠ in the pages of SpecGram; in the current epoch, these references date back as early as at least 2004.1 In the following years there have been denials,2 mentions,3 more4 mentions,5 leaked internal documents,6 and even some early oral history7 (accompanied as it was by additional denials). Throughout this time the consistent official stance of the Editorial board of SpecGram has been to deny that the AutoGrammatikon™ exists, ... more ]

20. Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics (3 visits)

Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics. by Trey Jones. As a service to our young and impressionable readers who are considering pursuing a career in linguistics, Speculative Grammarian is pleased to provide the following Gedankenexperiment to help you understand the possibilities and consequences of doing so. For our old and bitter readers who are too far along in their careers to have any real hope of changing the eventual outcome, we provide the following as a cruel reminder of what might have been. Let the adventure begin ... more ] Book!

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Last updated Sep. 25, 2018.