Most Popular Pages—Today

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1. Sad Holiday Linguists (6 visits)

Prevent Sad Holiday Linguists—Get Them a Copy of The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics . Every holiday season, countless linguists have their celebrations ruined by thoughtless gifts given by clueless loved ones. They say it’s the thought that counts, but we know that’s only true if that thought is accompanied by at least some tiny semblance of awareness of a linguist’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations. We could try to explain those hopes and dreams and aspirations to youbut we’d have to give you a mini course on phonetics, phonology, and voice onset time first. Instead, we can assure you that SpecGram has the right gift for your linguist loved ... more ]

2. Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics (6 visits)

Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics. by Trey Jones. As a service to our young and impressionable readers who are considering pursuing a career in linguistics, Speculative Grammarian is pleased to provide the following Gedankenexperiment to help you understand the possibilities and consequences of doing so. For our old and bitter readers who are too far along in their careers to have any real hope of changing the eventual outcome, we provide the following as a cruel reminder of what might have been. Let the adventure begin ... more ] Book!

3. Vagarious Variable Vinegar Valentines Variety Vault (5 visits)

Vagarious Variable Vinegar Valentines Variety Vault. As Valentine’s Day rolls around once again, we at SpecGram recognize that not everyone has a special someone to spend the day with. Some people have no one; pity unto them. But the real losers on Valentine’s Day are those who have someone, just not someone who is particularly special. Whether it’s a creeper, a stalker, a jilted ex, or just a poor misguided soul who is a little too thick to take a hint, these Vinegar Valentinesa genre which rose to popularity in the late 19th centurywill help you let them down, albeit none too gently. Below is a random sample of our Vinegar Valentines for 2020. (Reload the page for a ... more ]

4. Vol CLXXXVI, No 4 (4 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Volume CLXXXVI, Number 4 Trey Jones, Editor-in-Chief; Keith Slater, Executive Editor; Mikael Thompson, Senior Editor; Jonathan Downie, Senior Editor, Pete Bleackley, Contributing Editor; Associate Editors: Mark Mandel, Deak Kirkham; Assistant Editors: Emily Davis, Vincent Fish, Yuval Wigderson; Editorial Associates: Steve Politzer-Ahles, Mary Shapiro, Megan Stevens, Daniel Swanson; Joey Whitford, Comptroller General; We’re Connoisseurs of Psychoceramics!; February 2020 ... more ]

5. Good Enough for Folk EtymologyPart IXA. Pocryphal & Verity du Bius (4 visits)

Good Enough for Folk Etymology Part IX. A. Pocryphal & Verity du Bius, X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies. The SpecGram Archive Elves recently made another large collection of documents available to the XQK Directorate, leaving them on our doorstep in black plastic sacks in the middle of the night. In order to avoid any more unfortunate incidents involving a cucumber, a marmot, or the Director’s favorite coffee mug, we were given the task of cataloging these documents. Going through the collection, we have found again that, while apparently lacking provenance (which the Archive Elves still attribute to a bizarre set of circumstances obscurely ... more ]

6. JLSSCNCVol I, No 1Linguist of Fortune (4 visits)

Linguist of Fortune. The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia. Volume I, Number 1. November 1990. Linguist of Fortune: The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, ... more ]

7. The Subaltern Refuses to Cite: An Altermondialist Rebuke of Journal Impact Factors (JIFs) in Linguistics via a Foucauldian Reconfiguration of Semantic Web (SW) in Deep LearningBeavis Beaujolais (3 visits)

The Subaltern Refuses to Cite: An Altermondialist Rebuke of Journal Impact Factors (JIFs) in Linguistics via a Foucauldian Reconfiguration of Semantic Web (SW) in Deep Learning. Beavis Beaujolais, Professor of Post-Postmodernization in Linguistics, The Δίς Λεγόμενον Centre for Endeepened Ideation. Paradigmatically-speaking, the realisation of academic source attribution has self-modified in response to externalities from being the avuncular acknowledgement of ideational ancestry to become the supine, yet hirsute arm of hegemonic realpolitik, vaguely indexing the far-off reality of the accomplishment of tenure. In this ... more ]

8. Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome (3 visits)

Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome . Are you looking for a book about ancient Roman history that’s interesting, informative, and amusing? No? Oh. Well, all the same, as long as you’re on this webpage already, we’d like to recommend that you buy Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome. Easy to read, full of genuine historical facts, and adorned with amateurish hand-drawn pictures, The History of Rome is so good that even Girolamo Savonarola might hesitate to cast it into the flames. And best of all, it’s only $6.99! Buy one now! Interested, but wary of being burned by a slick advertising campaign for a product that fails to live up to the hype? Then download the free preview and read ... more ]

9. Linguistics Nerd CampBethany Carlson (3 visits)

Linguistics Nerd Camp. Bethany Carlson. Pragmatics was both the subject and the downfall of Marty’s thesis ... more ]

10. JLSSCNCDivine Unification GrammarǢlfgār λ. Garcia (3 visits)

Divine Unification Grammar. Ǣlfgār λ. Garcia, Güthlestan Seminary. One of the most hotly contested aspects of modern syntactic theory is its emphasis on modular subsystems of grammar and, in the case of some authors, its postulation of a genetic basis for these subsystems. In one particularly popular theory, Government and Binding (cf. the Chomsky stack in your local library), linguistic competence is said to be due to the interaction of a number of modular principles which bear no relation to any other cognitive system, and which are ultimately due to genetic encoding. Such an explanation, of course, has numerous problems, among which is the fact the reduction to genetics is, in effect, a ... more ]

11. Ps. Q.A Stratificational Approach to Making Macaroni and CheeseTim Pulju (3 visits)

A Stratificational Approach to Making Macaroni and Cheese. It has long been a tenet of stratificational theory that stratificational notation is adaptable to extralinguistic structures. The contention of this paper is that not only can we use relational networks in this way, but that in fact a stratificational diagram is superior to, and should supplant, the traditional tool for visual transmission of information, namely written representation of natural human language. As an example, compare the traditional version of instructions for preparing macaroni and cheese with the new and improved version. (The text is that of “Directions,” Food Club Macaroni and Cheese Dinner, Wgt. .453# (the package is distributed by ... more ] Merch! Book!

12. Vol CLIV, No 3 (3 visits)

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Volume CLIV, Number 3; July 2008, MANAGING EDITOR, SENIOR EDITOR, EDITOR EMERITUS, Trey Jones, Keith Slater, Tim Pulju, Speculative Grammarian, Vol CLIV, No 3, 2|S| > |S|, CONSULTING EDITORS, Ken Miner, David J. Peterson, Bill Spruiell, ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Adam Baker, James Crippen, Madalena Cruz-Ferreira, Siva Kalyan, Idan Landau, Jouni Maho, Carin Marais, Peter Racz, Major Sharpe, Freya Shipley, Erin Taylor, Mikael Thompson, Daniele Virgillito, CONTRIBUTING EDITORS Kean Kaufmann, Joey Whitford, VICTORES A VICTIS VISI Османска империя, Lochlannachs, Saeson, Yersinia pestis, Zhaagnaash, ... more ]

13. Recursive Processing: An Anthropological Linguistic Study of the BenhirloŋngtamClaude Searsplainpockets (3 visits)

Speculative Grammarian is proud to present yet another irregular installment in the Linguistic Anthropologic Monograph Endowment's Bizarre Grammars of the World Series. Recursive Processing: An Anthropological, Linguistic Study of the Benhirloŋtam 0, Bizarre Grammars of the World, Vol. 55. Background, The Benhirloŋtam live in a world that can best be described as fractal. The mountain range visible on the horizon is oddly regular, and any piece of it looks like a smaller version of the whole thing. A sketch is shown in Figure 1 below: ... Figure 1. A sketch of mountains visible from the village. The Benhirloŋtam build their homes in four triangular parts, connected to form ... more ]

14. Archives (3 visits)

SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongeringfirst it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... more ]

15. Son of Lingua PrancaMy Fair Linguist, or Male-PygionTom Ernst and Evan Smith (3 visits)

My Fair Linguist, or Male-Pygion. Tom Ernst and Evan Smith. liberally adapted from G. B. Shaw and Lerner & Loewe, NARR: London, 1978: The home of Professor Higgins (horse clops). A phonetic drill session in progress. The object: rectify Eliza Yanco’s speech. Y: And we werre at Charrles’ barr last night and... H: No, no, no! Why can’t you Yancos learn to speak! You must drop your postvocalic r’s, or else, Yanco, go home! Now repeat that sentence in front of you!, Y: (reading) The carrs on Marrs arre larrgely parrked nearr barrs. H: No, no, no! Send in that former student of mine! He learnt it well!, (Enter O), O: The cahs on Mahs ah lahgely pahked neah bahs. H: Now, Yanco, try it again!, Y: The carrs on ... more ]

16. λ♥[love] (Linguistics Love Song)by Christine Collins (3 visits)

λ♥[love], (Linguistics Love Song). by Christine Collins. Need to win the heart of a linguist? It’s your lucky day! Here is a convenient, terminology-dropping, non–gender-specific love song for all your linguist-seducing needs. let me have your heart and i will give you love, the denotation of my soul is the above, if there’s anything i lack, it’s you, as my double brackets, you make me mean things, i can’t say enough consider me your anaphor, i’m bound to you, there’s no one else that i could be referring to, your features all attract me, we’re such a perfect match, please agree with me, i need to be with you well i don’t know how to say ... more ] Podcast! Book!

17. Lingua PrancaWord-TVTom Ernst (3 visits)

Word-TV (coming soon!). ... Your Linguistically-Oriented Television Station. Tom Ernst. Featured programs for our first week Monday 2 PM (every weekday): As the Word Turns. (Soap Opera) The exciting story of John and Mary and their turbulent life of labialization, breathy voice, and illicit embedding. 8 PM: The Streets of San Francisco. S. I. Hayakawa tries to control TOUGH-Movement and VIP-Deletion in the streets. Tuesday 7:30 PM: The Odd Copula. Felix and Oscar try to account for Bea’s strange behavior. 9 PM: Fantasy Theatre. “Colorless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously”. Wednesday 9 PM: Science Fiction Theatre. “Juncture ... more ]

18. Vol CLV, No ζ (3 visits)

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, —in association with—, PSAMMETICUS PRESS, —is proud to present a special supplemental monograph—, Volume CLV, Number ζ ; January 2009, Survey of Linguistic Evidence of Meta-Consciousness in Tier-19 Terran Primates. by Cëŏjpruustcrêrt êe Âgriüsturttâiy Fuördrêostsklanöukklėû Růŕskramnnuũrgciwä, and Ëø Daerl stiic Uasŝăź swerz Ê. ... MANAGING EDITOR, Trey Jones, EDITOR EMERITUS, Tim Pulju, SENIOR EDITOR, Keith Slater, ... more ]

19. Speculative Grammarian International Academic and Very Clever Professorial International Linguistics Conference 2020 (3 visits)

Speculative Grammarian International Academic and Very Clever Professorial International Linguistics Conference 2020. University of New Atlantis, 31st–35th; February 2020. After the success of the 2018 Conference in South Theoretistan which boasted a record-breaking attendeeship of 43 (including 39 of the local yak herding community), we are proud to announce the programme for the 2020 SpecGram Conference. As ever we offer a sardine tin–level packed programme of academic excellence in one of the most visually stunning locations of the North Atlantic. With subsidised food and free accommodation in the local youth hostel (a lovingly converted World War I submarine sleeping ... more ]

20. Son of Lingua PrancaAs the Word TurnsTom Ernst and Evan Smith (3 visits)

As the Word Turns. Tom Ernst and Evan Smith. ANNOUNCER: (Organ music in bkgrd): And now, the continuing story of John and Mary, and their turbulent life of breathy voice, crossover constraints, and illicit embedding. SCENE I, (John’s apt.) (Mary paces, waiting nervously for her date with John, rearranges flowers, etc. Doorbell rings), Mary: Come it! (John enters, walks sexily toward her) Such well-formedness conditions! Won’t you sit down?, John: Thank you. (Sits, looks around room) My, those lace curtains are awfully hard to keep clean, aren’t they?, M: Yes, and I try so hard. Oh, would you like some coffee? I’ve got some Sanka, and ... Maxim. J: Oh, Maxim, pleaseit’s of ... more ]

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Last updated Feb. 20, 2020.