Most Popular Pages—Last 7 Days

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1. Linguistics Nerd CampBethany Carlson (123 visits)

Linguistics Nerd Camp. Bethany Carlson. The Linguistics Department’s new class, Hysterical Linguistics, boosted enrollment by 67% ... more ]

2. Where are the Vampire Linguists?F. Ang Bangah (94 visits)

Where are the Vampire Linguists?. F. Ang Bangah. Though many people have had trouble coming to terms with the truth about vampires since they “came out of the coffin” in the so-called Great Revelationmade possible by the creation of the Japanese synthetic blood substitutetheir presence represents a unique and untapped opportunity for historians, linguists, and anthropologists. Non-supernaturals have had much opportunity to learn about vampires and others in the biographic works of Charlaine Harris, which have recently been dramatized in the HBO documentary television series True Blood. But one aspect of vampires’ existence has been largely ignored; since ... more ] Podcast!

3. Thank You, Postdoc Syntax TutorThe Third Autonomous Bilborough Linguistics Circle (74 visits)

Thank You, Postdoc Syntax Tutor. Presented by The Third Autonomous Bilborough Linguistics Circle. If there’s one person who’s guaranteed to put a smile on undergraduate linguistics students’ faces, it’s our faithful friend the Postdoc Syntax Tutor. Fresh from their PhD, what they lack in teaching experience they more than make up for in energy and enthusiasm and the fact that it’ll be at least halfway into Semester 1 before they start turning up 10 minutes late for tutorials. And, nothing if not flexible, they’ll have almost certainly reworked all the slides from last year such that every single one will be packed with so many examples that nearly every student will spend hours and hours ... more ]

4. The Language JeanMaude Lévi-Sauce (65 visits)

The Language Jean. Maude Lévi-Sauce, Prifysgol Aberystwyth, Dyfed. I am moved to tears to be able to report a finding, whose serendipity and repercussions can only compare to those of Professor I. Jones’s inspirational discovery three years ago, duly featured in Speculative Grammarian (Davis et al. 2006). Since then, attempting to replicate the tenure and research grants that his breakthrough must have earned him post-hoc, I have been trawling, not Turkey, because turkeys enjoy bad press in the limelight I am seeking, but further afield in Ürümqi. There are two reasons for this. First, I have been co-inspired by Barber’s (1999) no less jaw-dropping discovery, that alien ... more ]

5. Quipley’s Don’t Believe It! ... Or Do? (55 visits)

Quipley’s Don’t Believe It! ... Or Do? Amid the many islands of Indonesia there exists a small sea first discovered by the Dutch/Deutsch explorer Willem Klum. On a small island in that sea is an accident-prone group of people who were living an extremely traditional lifestyle until just a few years ago. As a result, they acquired power tools before numeracy. After a recent visit, Dr. Quipley reports that the “Klum Zee” tribe speaks the only known language with a number system whose base depends on idiolect. Most speakers range from using ternary to decimal, with 7 being the most common base. The one islander who counts in undecimaland who, unlike everyone else on the island, has ... more ]

6. Generative Grammar Proves the Existence of AliensN. Elix (55 visits)

Generative Grammar Proves the Existence of Aliens. N. Elix. It is by now well established that generative grammar is the one framework to rule them all and in the darkness bind them. Since its invention deep in the heart of the gamma quadrant (Whorf (not the Sapir one; the other one) Stardate 150.679), it has been important for all attempts by linguists in black to cross streams and get a well-Grooted understanding of how meaning is situated and realised in the human brain. Until now, however, it has been analysed as the ripe fruits of the work of one man who went boldly where no linguist had gone before. This basic understanding is no longer possible now that the pod bay doors have been opened (Dave & HAL 2001) and the ... more ]

7. Vol CLXXXII, No 4 (51 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Volume CLXXXII, Number 4 ... Trey Jones, Editor-in-Chief Keith Slater, Executive Editor, Associate Editors, Pete Bleackley Jonathan Downie Mikael Thompson, Assistant Editors, Virginia Bouchard Mark Mandel Yuval Wigderson, Editorial Associates, Florian Breit Bethany Carlson Vincent Fish Deak Kirkham Mary Shapiro Bill Spruiell, Joey Whitford, Comptroller General Now with Additional Functional Projections in Every Issue! October 2018 ... more ]

8. Archives (39 visits)

SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongeringfirst it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... more ]

9. An optimality-theoretic account of split-ergativity in Southern QuiznosHans Forz (39 visits)

An optimality-theoretic account of split-ergativity in Southern Quiznos. Hans Forz. Among linguists, split ergativity has long been recognized as one of the most pervasive impediments to human understanding. A particularly puzzling case is apparent in the language of Southern Quiznos, which has provoked several mutually contradicting analyses. For instance, Bloomfield (1924) suggests that split ergativity in Southern Quiznos is sensitive to animacy. Animate subjects are marked with the nominative, while inanimate subjects carry the ergative marker. (1), a. Bob-o, ham, sub-by, Bob-NOM, eat.PRS, sandwich-ACC, ‘Bob eats the sandwich.’ b. Sub-br, nja, philly-ø sandwich-ERG, need.PRS, cream cheese-ABS, ... more ] Book!

10. About Us (35 visits)

Speculative Grammarian and Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... more ] Podcast!

11. Merchandise (32 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Merchandise. Introduction. In order to lend a hand to our good friends and steadfast supporters over at the Linguist List during their 2006 fund drive, we prepared a small selection of limited edition SpecGram merchandise, including T-shirts, stickers and magnets. Originally these items were only available as prizes awarded as part of the Linguist List fund drive. In 2012, several of the SpecGram editors suffered from a rare form of collective frontal lobe damage, which made it seem like a good idea to put together a SpecGram book. The result in 2013 was The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics. In 2014, Editor Mikael Thompson entered a deep fugue ... more ]

12. Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics (30 visits)

Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics. by Trey Jones. As a service to our young and impressionable readers who are considering pursuing a career in linguistics, Speculative Grammarian is pleased to provide the following Gedankenexperiment to help you understand the possibilities and consequences of doing so. For our old and bitter readers who are too far along in their careers to have any real hope of changing the eventual outcome, we provide the following as a cruel reminder of what might have been. Let the adventure begin ... more ] Book!

13. The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics (29 visits)

The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics . For decades, Speculative Grammarian has been the premier scholarly journal featuring research in the neglected field of satirical linguisticsand now it is available in book formboth physical and electronic! We wish we were kidding, but no, seriously, we’ve published a large collection of SpecGram articles, along with just enough new material to force obsessive collectors and fans to buy it, regardless of the cost. From the Introduction: The past twenty-five years have witnessed many changes in linguistics, with major developments in linguistic theory, significant expansion in language description, and even ... more ]

14. Latin to 与工以口-尺口爪凡以 Converter (28 visits)

Anybody and everybody uses Roman script. 山巨 刀巨与巨尺立巨 仍巨十十巨尺。 What we need is something more distinctive. 与工以口-尺口爪凡以 亡口爪仍工以巨与 十廿巨 仍巨与十 口斤 巨凡与十 凡以刀 山巨与十。 Elegant, refined, and beautiful! 凹与巨 与工以口-尺口爪凡以! ... more ]

15. Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome (28 visits)

Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome . Are you looking for a book about ancient Roman history that’s interesting, informative, and amusing? No? Oh. Well, all the same, as long as you’re on this webpage already, we’d like to recommend that you buy Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome. Easy to read, full of genuine historical facts, and adorned with amateurish hand-drawn pictures, The History of Rome is so good that even Girolamo Savonarola might hesitate to cast it into the flames. And best of all, it’s only $6.99! Buy one now! Interested, but wary of being burned by a slick advertising campaign for a product that fails to live up to the hype? Then download the free preview and read ... more ]

16. Podcast—Language Made Difficult, Vol. L (28 visits)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. L — The SpecGram LingNerds are on their own this time. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss the dangers of mispronouncing the names of Canadian provinces, and then advise students as to what they should *not* do. They also fail to celebrate the 50th episode. Many outtakes are provided. ... listen ]

17. Cartoon Theories of LinguisticsPart EPhonetics vs. PhonologyHilário Parenchyma, C.Phil. (28 visits)

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part E—Phonetics vs. Phonology. Hilário Parenchyma, C.Phil. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. We will skip the introduction, as we have been there, done that. Once more into the breach! For this installment in our series on Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, we will turn our attention to Phonetics and Phonology and the difference between the two: Phonetics:, ... Phonology:, ... Thanks to Professor Phlogiston, of the Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn, for the opportunity of a lifetime, as a student, to, on this occasion, share with so many of my fellow linguisticians my views, as illustrated above, concerning matters, which are of such immeasurable import ... more ] Merch! Book!

18. LinguimericksBook ५५ (26 visits)

Linguimericks, Book ५५. In Europe and Africa too English is rising, it’s true It’s a real lingua franca A commercial anchor But in Britain, fake news is L2 —Col. O. Nihilist, Now there was a linguist named Jones, Who could pronounce quite clearly all phones. But he wore out his pharynx, His tonsils, and larynx, And now he just lays there and groans —P. Ublekkdeaux Meign, A linguist went out on a bender And wrapped round a lamppost his fender. The cops asked him why, He replied, “You just try Explaining that sex isn’t gender.” —Pete Bleackley, Now They’re Killing Grammatical Distinctions Of our language they’re making a mess— No distinctions ... more ]

19. Linguistic (Fight) ClubsTyler D. Urden and Thé N. Arrator (25 visits)

Linguistic (Fight) Clubs. Tyler D. Urden and Thé N. Arrator, X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies. The enduring legacy of the fin-de-xxe-siècle film Fight Club includes many pale imitators. Among the humanitiesincluding linguistics and related fieldsthe imitators can be quite pale, and pasty and soft to boot. Even these faint and frail shadows of the cult classic cannot fail to limn its most quintessential icon: the first rule of Fight Club (of which we need speak no further). Below are the collected first rules of various Clubs of the Linguistical and Linguistically-Adjacent variety, gathered over nearly two decades by our ... more ]

20. AutoGrammatikon™ (24 visits)

The Speculative Grammarian Auto­Gram­matikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠. On several occasions, mention has been made of the AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠ in the pages of SpecGram; in the current epoch, these references date back as early as at least 2004.1 In the following years there have been denials,2 mentions,3 more4 mentions,5 leaked internal documents,6 and even some early oral history7 (accompanied as it was by additional denials). Throughout this time the consistent official stance of the Editorial board of SpecGram has been to deny that the AutoGrammatikon™ exists, ... more ]

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Last updated Oct. 22, 2018.