The Tenure Boogie
I invented a field that no-one else would believe
It’s a wondrous sub-field that no-one studies but me
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
I’ve got papers in journals and editorships
I’ve made theories and frameworks from data I nicked
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
My big monograph made it past the reviewers
But its whole readership was two (maybe fewer)
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
I won’t ever do fieldwork, it’s theories for me
Cause I like my plush office and my shiny PC
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
My teaching load’s zero as I talk in big words
And they think I’m a hero though my views are absurd
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
It got me tenure. (ooh ooh)
—Col. O. Nihilist
A sentence constructed in space,
Has branches that all interlace,
It’s less like a tree,
When it’s gravity free,
and INFL won’t stay in its place.
—Sheri Wells-Jensen
A Researcher’s Tale
A researcher spent years in the field
But can’t get his data to yield
To the whims of his chair,
So (alas and despair!)
His tenureless fate is now sealed.
But the School undergoes a restructure
And a new chair’s brought who’s no truck, sir,
With the old the-o-ries.
Our researcher now sees
That the data works fine—you’re in luck, sir!
But the grant ’warding body (oh woe!)
Sees a brand new direction to go.
So now his research
Is back in the lurch:
The promotion review is a No.
So he relocates off to Dublin
Where his data and model’s th’ in thing.
He’s quickly keynoting
And then they promote him
To VC, then Taoiseach, then King.
—Pete & Deak
