On Bimonthly—A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief SpecGram Vol CLXXIX, No 4 Contents /nuz baɪts/—Linguist Discovers Alternative Source of Energy at Conference

Letters to the Editor

Dear SpecGram,

The middle voice demonstrates clearly in “On How Middle Voice Should Not Constrain for Syntax” (Volume CLXIX, Number 1, January 2014). My current research benefits!

Thanks on behalf of
Mary Galbraith

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Dear Mary,

If the article entertains and enlightens, others can entertain and enlighten as well:

In editoriality,

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[The recent contribution by Zarfu, “Whinge”, has generated some interesting reader mail, which we present here without further comment. —Eds]

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Dear Zarfu,

It’s better read as French.

Roger Prentiss Claremont

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Dear Thugs:

We recently read your abysmal whinge. The title’s the only good and true thing about it, and you should have vandalized a rather less great work of American poetry, so here, we fixed it for you.

The SpecGram Manifesto

Pile the theses high at MIT and Stanford U.
Shovel them under and let me work—
I am the crass; I plunder all.

And pile them high at Heidelberg
And pile them high at Hofstra and Cologne.
Shovel them under and show my work.
Two years, ten years, and students ask the professor:
What crap is this?
Where are they now?

I am the crass.
Let me smirk.

The Joint Prosody Working Group of
The Linguistic Society of America
and The Academy of American Poets

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Dear Editors Inc,

I am writing to you today to express a concern and ask for advice. You recently published an article on the nefarious effects of phonology on children. Yet the author did not go far enough.

My children are not only being exposed to such dangerous influences as Portuguese and French but they are already mixing them to create Portench. I am concerned that one of these days, before long they will discover contact linguistics, creoles and Syntactic Structures.

How can I wean them off this dangerous habit before it is too late and they have applied to Rice University to study the syntax of odd and damaging tongues like Esperanto, Dothraki and C++?

Yours worriedly,
Nick L. N. Dyem

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Dearest Old St. Nick,

Your children learning Dothraki at Rice is not even nearly the worst of the horrors you are facing. We’re glad you came to us for help. You need it.

For the low price of USD $179.85 per hour, SpecGram Counseling Services is now offering to address problems like yours, even for louts like yourself who don’t take their children’s exposure seriously until it’s nearly too late. Call now, because Counselors are standing by to offer personalized professional services that are guaranteed to make a big difference in your problems, quite likely even solving them.

Do not hesitate, because your children’s linguistic future depends upon your quick action. Save them from your own negligence. Get help before they are exposed to nasal-ingressive voiceless velar trills. Call today!

Marketing Interns
SpecGram Counseling Services

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Dear SpecGram,

Fuller’s “On the Proper Form of Authorial Adjectives” (SpecGram CLXXIX.2) got me thinking about the father of postmodernism and his followers. Jacques’ proper adjective form in English is, of course, Derridan, with the emphasis on the second syllable. N’est-ce pas?

Jackie Élie

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Dear Earle Haley,

Indeed. His followers are thus Derridans and the eliteor those particularly adept among their numberwould have the same name as the utterance that was sighed in relief once postmodernism became no longer fashionable: Good Derridans!


P.S.: On the off chance that postmodernism is still fashionable somewhere, please don’t let us know. Our faith in humanity can only take so many hits.

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Speculative Grammarian accepts well-written letters commenting on specific articles that appear in this journal or discussing the field of linguistics in general. We also accept poorly-written letters that ramble pointlessly. We reserve the right to ridicule the poorly-written ones and publish the well-written ones... or vice versa, at our discretion.

On BimonthlyA Letter from the Editor-in-Chief
/nuz baɪts/Linguist Discovers Alternative Source of Energy at Conference
SpecGram Vol CLXXIX, No 4 Contents