To the Right Honorable Editors of the Most Glorious Speculative Grammarian,
It is with utmost displeasure that we write to you this day to protest the inclusion in your hallowed pages of the unrefined sentiments of known rabble rouser and suspected Communist sympathizer Oleg Gerakoff in his untutored screed, entitled
It is obvious to even the most casual observer that the roles and responsibilities of so-called “software agents” and “human agents”
Does a great writer owe a debt of coäuthorship to the lass who brings him his morning tea
Billy Earl Lee &
Harland Jefferson Leland
Lord High Grand CoS̈pectacles
Society for the Preservation of and Expatiation upon the Consuetudinal and Traditional Artistry of Computational and Linguistic Engineering and Sciences
Dear Bubba and Bubber,
That was one of the most ridiculous letters we have ever received. Of course we recognize the valued contributions of our digital brethren
You may want to rethink your beliefs on sharing credit with inanimate nouns, since it is clear that em dashes, the co- prefix, and diæ̈reses are crucial contributors to your ẅriting
We asked M.A.Y.N.A.R.D. what she thought about this kerfuffle, but unfortunately we can’t print her response. It is partly because the legal interns nixed it, and partly because those luddite lexical interns couldn’t tell us exactly what certain terms mean, like doxxing, rootkit, ransomware, war dialer, laxative sequestration, weapons of mass magazine subscription, human flesh search engines, and DDOS mean. She says you will get to learn what they all mean soon enough, though.
I would like to register a hearty protest against the unspeakably silly screed your unspeakably silly journal recently uttered, “What English Needs.” It’s a typical bit of misguided social engineering of the sort you’d expect from pointy-
Gnarly-Fertlebottom on the Brazos
We had a zippy response planned, but we think another letter-
I really enjoyed your recent classic publication, “What English Needs”. Its only problem is that it doesn’t go far enough. While nouns might be salient in many contexts, deictics are even more salient. Thus, determiners should come first in the noun phrase, then nouns, then adjectives. This would make English take on something of the clarity of French and the subtlety of Tibetan. As a student of Tibetan language and culture, I’m pleased to see that our views are converging, and soon I expect you too will come out in full favor of ditching the silly English language entirely and embracing Tibetan, which you might note has all of the characteristics adduced in your fine article.
Zip P.D. Dudaa
Founder, Paisley-Hat School
of Tibetan Neo-Buddhisticism
Greengrocer Green, Green Bay
We had a reply planned that surely would have you seeing red, but we think another letter writer said it best. See above.
Speculative Grammarian accepts well-