[We take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of Speculative Grammarian. —Eds]
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that Linguistics is a science. Papa says “if you see it in Speculative Grammarian it’s so.” Please tell me if Linguistics is a science.
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scientism of an obsessive age. They believe that only science is worth believing, and that nothing can be which is not reducible to empirical testing and replicable proofs.
That sort of belief, Virginia, is not worth believing in at all. It is the foolish consistency hobgoblin of small minds. It rejects the likely in favor of the statistical, the good in favor of the publishable. That is nothing to aspire to, Virginia, and neither do we aspire to it, nor would we consent to inhabit a world in which little Virginias like yourself aspired to it. Your little friends have been deceived, Virginia, and we would not have you deceived alongside them.
Oh Virginia! Language is a natural phenomenon in much the same way Santa Claus is. Just as innumerable acts of holiday- and charity-
No, Virginia, Linguistics is not a science. It is noble, and it contains great truth, and we will pursue its elegant insights as long as we have breath, but it is not a science. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, Linguistics will continue to make glad the hearts of children and adults alike, but it shall never debase itself to the level of mere science. It is, and shall remain, pure faith, the lofty heights of which mere science can only dream of attaining.
Speculative Grammarian accepts well-
To the Editors of that Scurrilous Rag, Speculative Grammarian
Due to a catastrophic shelving error, for which several library interns were flogged, your scurrilous rag of a journal ended up placed between the Southern Journal of Philosophy and Studia Phaenomenologica in the hallowed expanse of the stacks of the Philosophy section of Aristoxenus Graduate Library.
Due to a catastrophic delivery error, for which several messenger interns were flogged, your scurrilous rag of a journal ended up placed between my scone and my afternoon tea on the hallowed expanse of my desk in the Director’s office in the Philosophy Department of Zeno University.
Due to a catastrophic page turning error, for which several page turning interns were flogged, the words of your scurrilous rag of a journal ended up between my ears, in the hallowed expanse of my mind in the middle of my late afternoon snack!
Such scurrilous poppycock! Such contumelious claptrap! Such scabrous twaddle! Among the several hundreds of articles I was forced to read
Are you people not familiar with Parmenides?
You must debar your thought from this way of search, nor let ordinary experience in its variety force you along this way, the eye, sightless as it is, and the ear, full of sound, and the tongue, to rule; but judge by means of Logos the much-
contested proof which is expounded by me.
Or, to put it more plainly for you scurrilous editors of your scurrilous journal: “You just have to put your trust in the theory”!
Whether Parmenides was right or wrong is irrelevant. The point is that the thought you are considering has been thought two and a half millennia before, and by your betters.
Also, stop worrying about whether linguistics is a science. All of science is ultimately philosophy, as is all of linguistics. Stop obsessing over the details.
Philo S. O’Fee, Ph.D.
Director of Philosophy
Now with campuses in Elea, Citium, Tarsus, and Sidon
P.S.: While I find your rag of a journal entirely scurrilous, I do however approve of your intern remediation plan. —P.S.O., Ph.D.
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