G.U.I.L.T.y Pleasures—A Complete and Comprehensive Theory of Language, Linguistics, and Everything
by Jäger Haumichblau
Military University of Dingenskirchen
For the past twenty-four years I have labored to synthesize a grand linguistic unified theory (G.L.U.T.). Three years ago, I thought I had succeeded in doing so, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands, bringing together the best and most important aspects of artificial intelligence, optimality theory, transformational psycholinguistics, cladistic orthography, ergativity studies, semantic finite state automata, theolinguistics, reductive interrogativity, topological linguistics, stratificational linguistics, mytholinguistics, molecular biolinguistics, X-bar philology, developmental history, evolutionary politics, stylistic science, sociotechnology, linguobotany, natural language processing, the ethnolinguistics of pharmacokinetics, the mathematics of humor, the pragmatics of basket weaving, the morphology of archery, the syntax of glass blowing, the phonetics of roller coaster design, and the semiotics of bowling.
I submitted my 1,472-page manuscript to the only publication worthy of shepherding such a discovery into print, namely Speculative Grammarian. They turned me down.
The first reply I received was simply a sticky note on which someone had written “TL;DR”. I replied, asking for a clearer explanation, and thus began a surprisingly frustrating yet productive relationship between myself and my SpecGram editor, Butch McBastard. Mr. McBastard suggested that I try to distill my ideas down to something more easily-grasped, more intuitive, more catchy: more “21st Century”. He also suggested that “grand linguistic unified theory” was not a maximally felicitous arrangement of those words in English.
After some minimal effort spent on acronym expansion and rearrangement, along with three grueling years, forty-two painful revisions, tens of thousands of edits, and an Associate’s Degree in Graphic Arts from the Welsh University of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Online School of Industrial Design, I am happy to present to the world my NEW and IMPROVED Grand Unified Intuitive Linguistic Theory (G.U.I.L.T.).
At Mr. McBastard’s behest, I have distilled the many interrelatednesses, interconnectednesses, and intersubjectivities of language, linguistics, and everything into a concise graphical form. Any practitioner of the science of linguistics should be familiar with the usual formalisms and symbologies that make for such a compact depiction. This simple illustration serves as representation of and roadmap to the under-understood underlying underpinnings of language as a science, and of the mind as the seat of language.
Without further ado, I present my life’s work to and for the benefit of the worldwide community of linguists.
Behold and experience the G.U.I.L.T.!
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