We all know that linguists are, ideally, supposed to be pure descriptivists. But in that same way that your family can get under your skin like no one else, hearing your precious native language butchered by cretins isn’t just “interesting data”, it’s an all-
First admit to, then embrace your native prescriptivism. Some things are just plain wrong and need to be fixed. Do you cringe when you hear people say things like these?:
The list just goes on and on!
Well, cringe no more! Send your annoying family, friends, and colleagues to linguistic rehab and have them reprogrammed into proper speakers of standard English. (American, British, and Australian varieties are available.)
Luxurious accommodations await each and every retrainee in our sprawling-
Every member of our licensed, professional staff has completed several minutes of online training, and is fully versed in all the best collaborative linguistic rehabilitation protocols. Recreational phonetic and phonological activities take up most of the morning, and entertaining grammar drills help while away the early afternoon hours. After dinner, random bed checks and mandatory midnight declension exercises keep the evenings hopping! Electroshock encourages retrainees to give their best effort!
|Special Offer! €30 off a 30-day treatment block for a second loved one (€5 off for a second intern). Use code TWOFER.|
We also think it is important to address the needs of the whole person, not just some abstract language faculty. Retired army and marine drill sergeants lovingly and painstakingly break down every fundamental building block of our guests’ personalities while invasive psychological profiling guarantees the necessary weakening of each retrainee’s sense of self to leave them vulnerable to reprogramming.
The Speculative Grammarian Editorial Board uses this facility for ‘Intern Reëducation’ when a good solid flogging just isn’t getting the job done. We have been completely satisfied with the speech and behavior patterns of our
drones interns once they have been returned to us.
What is having a docile, soft-
See, a little prescriptivism isn’t so bad, is it?