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GUEST and APPRAISER are standing on either side of a small table on which rests a Dialect. It looks like a large multicolored hairball with some sparkly tufts sprouting here and there, and maybe a few moth-eaten feathers.
APPRAISER: Do you know anything about it at all?
GUEST: I really don’t. It supposedly belonged to my great-
APPRAISER: Well, you’ve brought in quite a spectacular dialect. What do you think the date of it might be?
GUEST: No idea.
APPRAISER: Well, I can tell you that it’s a variety that was spoken between 1820 and 1885.
APPRAISER: I’ve talked to some of my colleagues and we think that this piece was probably made in northeastern Alabama or north Georgia.
APPRAISER: And it was made for somebody of extraordinary wealth at the time. I’m especially interested in this [au] right here
APPRAISER: It’s missing a couple of its modals. Right here, can you see? These were probably originally might coulds or oughtta shoulds...
APPRAISER: But considering the rarity of the piece, those little flaws aren’t likely to discourage collectors. Do you know anything else about its history?
GUEST: Nope. It’s been in the family forever. My Dad used it once in a while, mostly when he was drunk. I don’t really use it myself. I basically just keep it on the mantelpiece.
APPRAISER: Look at these mortise-
GUEST: Not that I’m aware. I had a great aunt who was supposedly interested in diction classes back in the day, but I don’t think she ever actually did anything about it.
APPRAISER: That’s very fortunate. Speech training would certainly have lowered the value.
APPRAISER: Unfortunately, the dialect’s not signed, so we don’t know who made it. But it’s definitely of Appalachian origin. The hardware may be Scottish
APPRAISER: Were you ever told what your great-
GUEST: No, not at all.
APPRAISER: Do you have any idea what a dialect like this might be worth today?
APPRAISER: Well, I’d say an auction estimate, conservatively, would be between $250,000 and $300,000.
GUEST: Oh, wow. Awesome.
APPRAISER: Thank you for bringing it in.