[Author’s Note: Quite in fitting with the approach of Valentine’s Day, I submit this love poem, which, surprisingly, actually worked—though alas I am no longer dating said person anymore, which is why I am bitterly prostituting this former declaration of love, which I have suitably altered for the occasion.]
How do I love thee? Let me draw a tree diagram—
I was maundering, lonely as a bilabial trill,
When I first heard your voice—(some breathy strange tongue)
I was love-struck at once—(after all, I was young)
How rounded your mouth,
And iotally perfect your skin.
Your eyes are like geminates, plosive and clear,
And how like a Beta is the shape of your ear.
I will roll my uvular trill above hoary mountains
Where sibilant oracles crouch in their caves;
And remember how once, in some antique room,
I met my love, when the virgules once bloomed.
Without you, all is ash, and thorn, and schwa;
I would be obstruent, my heart retroflexed.
And will it be ever as it was once before?
As quoth the wug, “Nope, nevermore.”