The Future English Bible
Psammeticus Press
The market for English language Bibles is lucrative, and any publisher worth its stock price is seeking to further edify the faithful by issuing its own proprietary English version. The visionaries at Psammeticus Press, though, can smell an over-crowded niche a mile away, and for some time we have been ruminating on how to overcome this difficulty and horn in on the Bible market.
The key is this: most Bible publishers don’t know squat about linguistics. Fortunately for us, we do. What’s more, we know enough about linguistics to be able to predict, based on our latest Language Change Algorithm, what English will be like two hundred years from now.
Therefore, Psammeticus Press is proud to bring you a Bible in language that won’t go out of date: the Future English Bible.
We know that Bible consumers have high standards, and we want to assure you that the Future English Bible conforms to the very highest. The PsPress Language Change Algorithm is based on our proprietary combination of predictive factors in linguistic change, including Labovian Goldvarb analysis of existing variant forms, Wierzbickan Natural Semantic Metalanguage, grammaticalization theory (drawing most heavily on the work of Traugott and Rossari), language contact (operationalizing the code model of Myers-Scotton), parameterization (relying primarily on insights from Lightfoot), orthographic reform theory1 (based on the work of Fishman) and (of course) regular sound change.
The Language Change Algorithm, refined by over thirty programmers in the course of a generation, has been produced in Microsoft Access Visual Basic (mainly because we are sick and tired of being told by Linux users that Microsoft programs can’t do anything, and also thanks to a generous grant from the Gates’ Bibles for Everyone Foundation).
Our team of linguist-translator-statisticians assures us (with 99.99897% certainty), that the Future English Bible represents the dominant dialect of world English of the 22nd century.
Let us be clear: unlike current translations that claim to be in “natural” or “current” or “modern” English, the Future English Bible is so current that it won’t need any revisions for at least 200 years! Below is a sample from Matthew 9:10-13.
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 King James Version of 1611 |
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Future English Bible |
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10 And it came to pass, as Jesus sat at meat in the house, behold, many publicans and sinners came and sat down with him and his disciples. |
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10 Latron, Jesus was sittin ta eat n’t’house, wen lookit! holelotta blingblingers n other huài guys came n hobnobbed with’m n his posse. |
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11 And when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto his disciples, Why eateth your Master with publicans and sinners? |
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11 Wen t’faruppities saw all round this, they asked his posse: Aya! Wy your main man eat with blingblingers n huài guys? |
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12 But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. |
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12 Wen Jesus heard all that, he told’m: t’users that got no virisses on t’seepeeyou donno need ta call t’cusstomber service lines, but those pobrecitos with fragged hard drives need it sumtimes. |
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13 But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. |
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13 You faruppities drive off now and figgerout wat that is bout. I want merced and not malitos. Cause I didn’ come here ta organize t’goodytwoshoeses. I come here ta tell t’blingblingers ta makenice. |
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The Future English Bible, Standard Edition, features leather binding and gold edging. Also available in paperback and many other bindings and formats.2
The Future English Bible promises to be the longest-lasting product in the Bible market; now that’s something that generations of Bible readers and Psammeticus Press shareholders can both profit from!
The Future English Bible
for the profit of generations
1 We are cognizant, of course, of the vexatious nigglings of English spelling reformists and their ilk, and we would like to assure the faithful (especially the faithful who purchase the Future English Bible) that these misguided souls and their tiresome agenda will have no impact on the potential resale value of the Future English Bible (especially the $300 edition with the gold leaf). We have it on the Highest Authority that these, along with Optimality Theorists, cat groomers and programmers of the Blackboard Academic Suite, will disappear without a trace on December 21st, 2012 with the end of the Maya Calendar.
2 For our customers who prefer an aural approach, we also offer a 23rd century musical mix of the psalms translated into future English, accompanied by prepared electric zheng, base èrhú, cajón de tapeo, and penny whistle. These inspirational offerings, chanted by our copy editing staff, will get you praying for redemption in nothing flat.
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