Interest in cocktails has had a resurgence lately, with people trying new combinations and reviving forgotten blends. We shouldn’t forget the long history the grand subfield of Mixological Linguistics has. Below is a mix of old favorites and new delights.
Disparage the martini vigorously for ten to twenty years, arguing that no real establishment should serve it. Urge everyone to drink gin and tonic (“the one true cocktail”) instead.
Redefine “gin and tonic” so that it can refer to lots of things other than a cocktail that has gin in it, and tonic. Continue until the martini can fall into the category of “gin and tonic”.
Vigorously argue that you’ve been in favor of martinis all along, since they can be gin and tonics, and that your friends actually invented the martini, in a sense
Lay out all the drinks in an orderly fashion on a table in a specified country, preferably one with a monocultural outlook.
Pour all the drinks into one container, preferably a container that only speaks one language.
Observe the interactions of the drinks with each other and with the surrounding meta-
Put each liquor in a separate glass. Give them names other bartenders will probably not recognize. Suggestion: call the whiskey “armagnac”. Drink each in quick succession while staring at the same object.
Put the liquor in a small glass. Tear the cocktail napkin into strips; insert one end of one strip into the glass. Light the strip. Hurl the flaming cocktail at anyone in the bar who is drinking a Strunk and White.
Stick the celery in a glass. Garnish with plenty of parsley. Add a cocktail umbrella, a plastic sword and a few toothpicks. No brandy necessary.
Request a drink from a local bartender. Record the ensuing conversation. Request another drink from another bartender. Record the ensuing conversation. Repeat as needed. Write a paper.
Pairs well with hidden microphones, lamb.
(This is both a cocktail and a party game.)
Create an enormously complex, layered apparatus out of glassware and tubing. It should be designed so that gravity induces liquids to percolate downward, with actual paths dependent on which way valves are set at any particular time. Have an assistant pour liquors into the top of the array. Try to guess which nozzle that liquor will come out of, while your friends mess with the valves! Try to name novel combinations generated by the array! (Note: do not get the apparatus near bunsen burners!)
Fill an old-
Drink one! Two! Many! Goes well with almost any whine chaser.
The Phonetic Sprinkler
Open mouth. Make velar closure. Insert vodka. Add an olive. Make labial closure. Flap your apex repeatedly and rapidly. Make labial trill. Repeat.
Sort liquids according to thickness. Adjust the thickness parameter by mixing with other substances, as suitable. Determine pouring velocity for each of the liquids. Pour the liquids into a glass. Pour in-phase liquids simultaneously. Observe what happens. Interesting findings will include blending of liquids (e.g., grapefruit juice and orange juice), hiding of some liquids (e.g., rum inside coffee), and apparent deletions. Use ultrasound if the mixture becomes too opaque. Observe changes in the magnitude of each liquid and its extensions as you drink up to determine changes in the temporal dimension. Prepare another sample of the drink. Remember that the law of large numbers calls for a large number of observations. Recall that entrainment will make people in your environment want to have the same drink as you. Repeat the previous steps until you have the opportunity to present your findings to the scientific community.Add the fish where appropriate.
Pairs well with DP movement, uncooperative informants.
Pour any number of languages into a transparent glass, alternating with layers of oil. Pour one individual at a time, alternating with layers of water. Add more languages and individuals. Stir vigorously, to make sure that stirring fails to cause mixes. Let the cocktail stay, as-is, forever. Pour large quantities of gin into another glass. Drink up the gin, until you forget that multilinguals are not what the cocktail shows. Pour another glass of gin and drink. Write a paper about multilingualism.
Pour the wine into a glass while whining about how no one has properly modeled the process of wine pouring. Observe the wine under controlled conditions for an hour. Present a wordy but content-