Meet the SpecGram Editors
In response to a decades-long demand to lift the veil of near-anonymity behind which the editors of Speculative Grammarian live, lurk, and work, we have begrudgingly agreed to provide publicly for the very first time a series of brief biographical sketches of select editors. Those editors with multiple outstanding federal warrants for their arrest on charges of felonious articulation, transporting underage girls across state lines for immetaphorical purposes, and impersonating an officer of the International Phonetic Association have been excluded, upon advice from our attorneys. The first two biographical sketches are below.
Name: David J. Peterson
Title: Consulting Editor
Birthdate: January 20, 1881
Areas of Research: Ornithological Semantics, Morphomogy, Theoretical Linguodynamics
Turn-ons: paper animals, animal statuary, paper made of animal hides, fake animal hides, paper made from fake animal hides, and bodices
Turn-offs: frameworks, organizations, satirical linguistics, satire in general, and paper made from imitation fake animal hides
Biographic Snapshot: David J. Peterson sprung fully clothed from the forehead of a felled carpetbagger on January 20, 1881. He spent the next seventeen years of his life as a failed wandering minstrel in Albany, Georgia (failed because he never wandered from Albany). On February 18, 1898 his life was threatened by a wayward linguist who forced him to write a paper on an obscure framework dealing with the semantics of bird wings. The publication of the resulting paper made Peterson an international linguistic superstar overnight, and he spent the next fifty or so years resting on his laurels (and on the couches of starstruck Southern belles eager to learn more about his “ideas”). By the mid 1950s, though, his star had fallen, and despite a stray publication here and there, the doors to academia (and the bed chambers of countless damsels) were now closed to him. Determined to seek vengeance on someone, Peterson turned his attention to Speculative Grammarian: the source of all his troubles, he decided. He barged into their offices, breaking pencils and overturning coffee pots, until the managing associate editor in chief in training reluctantly gave him the title “Protector of the Horses”. Several years later, when Peterson learned that the managing associate editor in chief in training had no power to grant such a title, and that it was, therefore, meaningless, he surreptitiously stole into the SpecGram compound during nap-time (two p.m. to eleven p.m.), broke into the office of a soon-to-be former Consulting Editor, and has refused to leave ever since. To appease him, SpecGram Conciliatory Services presents him a barrel of mead and the latest issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine every month.
- “Towards a Comprehensive Framework of the Semantics of Bird Wings”, Crosslinguistic Studies in Ephemeral Semantics No. 7, 1898.
- “Irreconcilable Flaws with a Comprehensive Framework of the Semantics of Bird Wings”, Crosslinguistic Studies in Ephemeral Semantics No. 8, 1898.
- “A Summary of the Controversy Surrounding a Comprehensive Framework of the Semantics of Bird Wings”, Crosslinguistic Studies in Ephemeral Semantics No. 9, 1898.
- “Beyond a Comprehensive Framework of the Semantics of Bird Wings”, Crosslinguistic Studies in Ephemeral Semantics No. 9, 1898.
- “Phonological Analysis of the English Word ‘Bird’ ”, Studies in Amoral Linguistics No. 2, 1956.
- “The Lexicalist Agenda: Exposing the Myths”, Speculative Grammarian Vol. CLIII No. 1, 2007.
- “The Symptoms and Warning Signs of Framework Psychosis”, Speculative Grammarian Vol. CLV No. 2, 2008.
Mikael Thompson was born, whereabouts unknown, on 14 Jan 1932 into a distinguished lineage of academically-excluded scholars and orthographic reformers of Welsh and Teutonic extraction. He first made a name for himself by securing the publication of such earlier family manuscripts as his great-grandfather Kristopher Thompson’s C.P.E. Bach: Esthetic Scoundrel, Family Traitor, and Arrant Wastrel, Being an Annotated List of his Works, with a Brief Account of his Life and Crimes (1823), his grandmother Konstance Aniseed Thompson’s Theosophy and the Ether Theory: Contemporary Obscurantism in the Light of Modern Science (1887), his uncle Klarence Thompson’s The Surreptitious Celts of Cornwall and the Irish Fifth Column (1922), and his father Kaldwell Kinkaid Thompson’s Logical Positivism, Fructophilia, and Free Silver: A Program for Today (1942). Thompson graduated from Indiana University at Lower Possum Trot (a claim disputed by several registrars) in either 1952, 1955, or 1956 with a degree in either linguistics, philosophy, or comparative literature, and soon achieved world fame as the leading linguistic sciuridologist of his generation. He is currently in abeyance in an undisclosed location authoring several works due to be suppressed by several major university presses in the next decade.
- “Semantic Evidence in Aristotle’s De Interpretatione for a Non-Indo-European Substrate of Greek.” Speculative Philologist, Vol. 3 No. 2 (Summer 1952): 100-107.
- “Samoan and Glossolalia: A Distinction without a Difference.” Working Papers of the Philosophical Society of South Bend, Indiana, Mar 1962: 14-58.
- “Leonard Bloomfield: Linguistic Scholar or Agent Provocateur of the Rosicrucian Counter-Enlightenment?” Terre Haute Couture: A Quarterly Journal of Men and Ideas, Fall 1965: 78-137.
- Studies in Traditional Manchu Pornography (17 vols. thus far). 1953-present. Houston TX: Thompson & Thompson.
- “The Tale of the Nišan Shamaness: A Theosophical Forgery of the Late Qing.” The Hoosier Philologist, Vol. 115 No. 6 (May 1964): 43-79.
- “Semantic Change in Even (Lamut) Reindeer Terminology.” The Magadan-Magnitogorsk Philological Review, Vol. 1 No. 1 (Jan 1991): 62-187.
- Methodological Foundations of Comparative Inner Asian Sciuridology. 1968. Cambridge MA: Xerus & Ratufa
- “Studies in Khalkha Sciuridology: I. Хөхөлжин; II. Чичүүл; III. Хулганцар; IV. Огодой; V. Савгадаахай; VI. Шишүүхэй; VII. Унтаахай; VIII. Алагдааганцар.” Quarterly Review of Sciuridology, Vols. 17-21 (1972-76).
- “Cynomys leucurus: A Provisional Proto-Uto-Aztecan Reconstruction.” American Sciuridologist, Vol. 6 No. 3 (Fall 1966): 23-412.
- “Cynomys parvidens: A Provisional Proto-Uto-Aztecan Reconstruction.” American Sciuridologist, Vol. 7 No. 1 (Spring 1967): 116-265.
- “Cynomys mexicanus: A Provisional Proto-Uto-Aztecan Reconstruction.” American Sciuridologist, Vol. 7 No. 2 (Summer 1967): 56-329.
- “Glaucomys volans and sabrinus: A Provisional Proto-Uto-Aztecan Reconstruction.” American Sciuridologist, Vol. 8 No. 4 (Winter 1968): 357-642.
- “Tamias striatus in Algonquian, Na-Dene, and Salishan: A Critical Annotated Review of the Sources.” Yearly Review of the Japanese Society for Sciuridology, Vol. 6 (1973): 89-267.
- “Funambulus palmarum in Proto-Dravidian.” Journal of the Sciuridological Society of Uttar Pradesh, Vol. 27 No 10 (Sept 1987): 35-461.
- “Petaurista xanthotis in the Thought of Wang Yangming.” The Korean Sciuridologist, Feb 2001: 16-45.
- “Petaurista xanthotis in the Lesser Writings of the Xuanxue School.” Journal of the Xinjiang Society for Medieval Chinese Sciuridology, Vol. 6 No. 2 (Apr 1993): 47-112.
- “Petaurista xanthotis in the Poetry of Meng Haoran.” Literature and Sciuridology, Vol. 18 No. 3 (Nov 1994): 68-146.
- “Those Darned Turnips! The Spread of Cultigens and their Names along the Silk Road.” Highlights for Children, Mar 1996.