[The following was received in response to the recently published article “On Apparent “Systematic Suppletion” in Ksotre” by Angus Æ. Balderdash, Esq. and Julienne Autolycus, Ph.D. of the Open Universe Open University, Jupiter City, Tvashtar Paterae, Io. A rough translation of the original hyperbolic neural activation pattern is provided by our newly updated AutoGrammatikon™ quasi-
Grammarians of Over-
[Translated and projected into Euclidean 2-space—
O Moderately Transcalescent Phb*t,
Yes, we thought that might be the case, as well. (Though we detect a subtle hint of intralunar competitiveness.)
And please send our regards to your ¤D¤qa¤r¤ Cohort
Speculative Grammarian accepts well-
After revealing my secret proposal and all the trouble doing so put me through, you could have at least have told me that watered-
I was almost reduced to abject failure, but I was able to manage a hostile takeover of a local homeopathic pharmacy by buying out their distilled water distributor and ratcheting up the wholesale price. I then began including Linguopathic literature with all internet orders. Within days our sales had dodectupled, and now we are the largest supplier of Placebo-
My original plan has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams, and I’ve done it without your help! To show that I am not bitter, I have enclosed a check for $1,000,000, knowing full well that your puritanical linguistic principles will prevent you from cashing it.
This really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ha! Again, I say, ha!
We had thought “Homeopathic Linguistics” sounded familiar. Sorry that didn’t work out for you.
We appreciate your donation, and gladly accept it. While we would not stoop to make money from linguistics ourselves, we will take money from fools. Your generousness will cover day-
[A few days after we got Mr Rapscallion’s letter, copies of another “anonymous” letter were sent to the Native American Linguistic Defense Fund, the Internal Revenue Service, the North American Syntacticians and Pragmatists Association, and Speculative Grammarian.
This letter revealed the bogus nature of both the “Placebo” Indians’ claimed “Native American” status and their claimed tax-
The good news is that our check cleared before all this came down. What luck! —Eds.]